Recently, the results of a survey of 1500 UK men about the best and worst celebrity bodies were excitedly announced in numerous media outlets. Kelly Brook, a cuvaceous English model and television personality, was voted as having the best body. Megan Fox (American model and actress who burst into the public eye in the Transformer's movie) came in second, Angelina Jolie (a relative old bag at 34, compared to the others ranked by the survey) took third place, followed by Cheryl Cole (A limey singer who was voted sexiest celebrity in FHM magazine's poll) and Katy Perry (the "I kissed a girl last night" singer), who was awarded fifth position.
The survey also produced a ranking of "best breasts" and again Brook's bust was rated as best, followed by Holly Willoughby (a UK television presenter who has mainly been involved with children's shows, and who had a boob fall out of her top during a live broadcast) , Cheryl Cole and Jessica Simpson (with her rapid weight changes, I wonder if the voters were not con
fused about the size of her mammaries?).All standard stuff. All pretty boring really, since there seem to be many such surveys. A recent survey of 3000 men on sportingfix.com rated Cheryl Cole as "Ultimate fantasy cheerleader" (whatever that is), followed by Kelly Brook, Kylie Minogue and Holly Willoughby (just the same names more or less, in slightly permuted order; this is like musical chairs).
However, the same survey of 1500 British lads also voted Victoria Beckham as having the worst body. What on earth? Luscious, gorgeous, toned, curvy (even if possibly artificially enhanced curves), sweet Posh
Spice. Worst body? I can think of quite a few more candidates for worst celebrity body. For example, have we all forgotten Amy Winehouse? What about my dear friend Amy Winehouse, that bathing beauty?However, the Brits seem to be obsessed with how hideous they think Victoria Beckham is. In November, the UK's Sun published a survey that rated Beckham's legs as the worst celebrity gams. London plastic surgeon Patrick Mallucci announced in September 2007 that Victoria Beckham's breasts were found to be the worst in a study (a view shared by other plastic surgeons, apparently). The British press gleefully reported that Victoria Beckham was rated as worst dressed on Mr. Blackwell's last Worst Dressed List in January 2008 (the last such list since Richard Blackwell kicked the bucket
in October of 2008).What makes this sort of funny is that a poll of more than 5000 British women disagrees, having rated Beckham's body as second best in 2007, according to New Woman magazine (Liz Hurley took the "best body" honors, popstar Myleene Klass came in third, and Kelly Brook was fourth). British women want to have a body like Beckham's according to New Woman editor Helen Johnston. In 2008, Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie covers of fashion magazines sold more than any other models, so women obviously find her attractive and appealing. The British magazine Celebrity Bodies, aimed at young women 25 to 35, rated Beckham's limbs as the ideal legs in 1998 (did they get much worse in ten years?).
In 2009, Celebrity Bodies, after a survey of over 5000 people, announced that old bat Jennifer Lopez has the best celebrity female body at the age of 40 (Was it her huge butt that earned her the top spot? What about Kim Kardashian then? Did a lot of black males vote in this poll?), and the similarly ancient Catherine Zeta Jones was second best. Interestingly, David Beckham was rated by Celebrity Bodies as having the best male celebrity body, and his wife barely made 50th place. Betraying the UK origins of the poll, 6 of the 10 best male celebrity bodies were British, and 5 of the 10 best female celebrity bodies were from the UK. No one outside the UK has a good body, huh?
The UK papers have tried to describe these survey results as a switch in public attitudes, from admiring those with thin figures to those with more curvy figures. I don't think they have analyzed the situation accurately, however.
So what can we learn from all this?
(1) The UK press is preoccupied with Victoria Beckham and her body (Why? Who the hell is this has-been anyway? The Spice Girls broke up 9 years ago you know).
(2) Many British women want to look like Victoria Beckham.
(3) Many British men find Victoria Beckham repulsive.
There are lots more examples of the fixation of the British press on Victoria Beckham:
*It was big news in the UK when Victoria Beckham wore the same outfit twice inside of two weeks. Also, Beckham committed the unforgivable sin of wearing the same hat four times in public, albeit in different colors (oh heaven forfend!).
*The British Press were beside themselves with horror when Victoria Beckham's nipples showed through her shirt (I could imagine this being a news story on a blog, but in the mainstream press? This is at all relevant?).
*Numerous articles in the British media whenever Posh Spice is found to have a zit (I kid you not; a pimple is important news? What on earth?). Victoria is also reported to use bird poop to treat her acne (haven't seen that treatment in stores, or even advertised on late night television, I have to admit).
This sort of stupidity repeats itself over and over in the British press. In spite of all the complaints about US media (which are not completely undeserved), the British media sets new lows constantly obsessing about minutae and empherema.
I happened across the similarly ridiculous case of former Big Brother contestant Chantelle Houghton (a perfect example of someone who is famous for being famous), and the tracking of Houton's career in the British press. Houghton married a popstar she met on the Big Brother show and was divorced about a year later. [1] After her divorce, she had breast implants, changing from a 32B to a 32E at the end of 1997 (she had wanted DD cups, but ended up with E cups; poor thing). [2] Chantelle posed for pictures in which she tried to copy busty British model, media personality and singer Jordan/Katie Price, and the British press were ecstatic about the comparison. [3][4] However, by mid-April 2009, the Pommy media was reporting that Houghton "hated her big boobs", that they were sore and that she just wanted to hide them (in spite of posing for literally thousands of pictures flaunting her bustline). At the end of April 2009, Houghton announced that she was ill, and she feared she had swine flu, and the press covered this (Every fever and every sniffle reported? I guess like reporting zits). The newspapers wrote fawning articles when Chantelle rented a pink limousine. By early June 2009, articles were appearing announcing that Houghton had gained 21 pounds, and was currently 5'7" and 133 pounds and was now happy with her womanly curves except that maybe she would prefer D cups (why do we even care?).
This sort of meaningless story is published by the British press over and over, day in and day out, year in and year out. As bad as the American media is, I think it has a long ways to go to compete with the stupidity the Limeys dish out. Americans consign this sort of crap to supermarket tabloids like National Enquirer, The Globe and Weekly World News, where it shares space with revelations like "Dick Cheney is a Robot", "Elvis is a alive and running for the US Presidency", "Alien Bible Found; They Worship Oprah", "Abraham Lincoln was a Woman", and "Sarah Palin Shoots Bigfoot". However, these tabloids are not taken seriously at all in the US. In contrast, the Pommys seem to revel in this sort of garbage, and it gets picked up and repeated endlessly. I think the closest I have seen a US publication come to the low level set by the Brits are a few stories about stars with cellulite that appear every year, but again these are not in the mainstream media at all in the US. I definitely do not think that a zit or two would be reported in the mainstream US press (especially not the zit of someone that used to be a pop singer well over a decade ago).
This sort of thing really makes one wonder about the UK. What happened to this country that ruled the world for centuries, was the center of culture and learning, and gave rise to Adam Smith, Robert Hooke, Francis Bacon, David Hume, John Locke, Bertrand Russell, Christopher Wren, Jonathon Swift and Isaac Newton, and countless other great thinkers? Are Mucus and Mrs. B and Mr Wee Wee Hands and the bathroom contractor R the best that Britain has to offer?
Sadly, if one is to try to judge from Skypeland, it seems like it. Maybe Britain exported all their talent, leaving just detritus behind. Sort of like the soap scum after you have drained the bathtub.
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