Restraining order

The undercover operative, international jet setter, bon vivant, renowned mercenary and bathroom contractor R was back in Skypeland for his weekly performance the last couple of nights. R seems to think that his exhibition of belligerence and inebriated incoherence is charming and fascinating to everyone else. Personally I think that sometimes R's visits are too much of a "good thing" (using a very loose interpretation of the word "good"), especially because R's visits tend to discourage all other discourse. In the worst circumstances, an uncontrolled raucous R drives away many other potential participants, the lifeblood of Skypeland.

R has a tendency to get fixated on certain things. Obviously, alcohol holds a strong grip over R; he drinks 1-3 liters of alcohol (usually vodka) at least once or twice a week. In addition, a Skypeland visit by R always features a tremendous amount of bragging about R's purported achievements and wealth. However, it appears to be highly doubtful that there is more than a minimal element of truth in this bravado.

R also seems to be obsessed with violence, and threatens one after another in Skypeland venues that he visits. Some are the focus of special attention; I am one of them. Even if I am not present, R rambles on and on about me, clearly preoccupied with his thoughts of me. R usually fantasizes about killing me; lately R has expressed the strong desire to have my "head on a pike".

However, after 1,000 death threats or so, this sort of statement gets a bit wearisome. I don't particularly feel the need to sit around and listen to a slobbering drunk repeat the same death threat he made 1 minute ago, or 10 minutes ago, or 2 hours ago, or a week ago, or a month ago, just for the amusement of the listening audience (although I am doubtful about how amusing it really is). It gets a little tedious, you know?

In any case, R wants to be heard; he screams into his computer microphone and runs two computers simultaneously trying to log into Skypeland, often using multiple accounts. As soon as R is muted or removed from the room, he is back hollering again.

As R drinks more, he becomes increasingly focused on men's butts, and various forms of sodomy, such as cornholing, back scuttling, dick licking, prick sticking, irrumation, bunghole banging, poophole poking, shirt lifting, mattress munching, fudge nudging and so on. Sometimes R will even slide into this sort of talk when he is in the middle of a boast about his ability to kill someone with his bare hands and eat their brains. For example, last night as R was bragging yet again about his lethal talents, R said, "I promise you, I will lick any man's ass in no time flat". Normally one might not think twice about that kind of phrasing, but in R's case, one starts to wonder.

After all, what else is one to think when R seems to have some sort of weird mental fixation with "playing the pink oboe" and having a "sneaky butcher" shove some meat into a "sausage kennel"? Almost any subject is likely to be seized on by R as some way to introduce an anal reference. For example:

*If someone is talking about skiing, R will blurt out something like, "What sort of ski boot do you wear? I always prefer to have a rear entry".

*R calls sideburns "buggergrips".

*R never says "I can't be bothered" but instead says, "I can't be arsed".

*R never talks about hitmen, always assassins (one of R's favorite words because it has not one, but two asses in it).

*When a geek is speaking about Star Trek, R might offer to come over to help him remove "cling-ons".

*When a Skypeland visitor was discussing his vacation, R asked if they "dropped anchor in poo-bay".

*If someone says "not to cast aspersions", R is sure to pipe up with something like, "Ass Persians? You mean Iranian beaver leavers? Farsi-speaking knob jockeys?"

*Someone in Skypeland who identifies their hometown as Dingle in Ireland will prompt R to ask if this is where "dingleberries" are from.

*A discussion about the importance of wearing headgear as sun protection might draw the admission out of R that he is a bit of a "brown hatter".

*When one of the ladies in Skypeland says they have to go shower and wash their hair, R will ask if they use shampoo or "real poo" to wash their hair.

Since R is from the UK, some of R's allusions can be a bit cryptic, but a little investigation reveals that they still almost always have something to do with his anal obsession:

*If different kinds of jam, marmalade and other breakfast spreads are being discussed, R will ask something like, "Have you ever had a drive on the Marmite motorway?"

*If people are talking about fishing, R will reveal that once he "caught a huge brown speckled Mersey trout".

*Someone who plays the banjo will lead R to ponder the delights of "strumming a banjo string".

*When people are talking about pets, R will mention that he once had a "chutney ferret".

In other words, R always seems to be talking about poofters, pillow-biters, bone smuggling up Bournville boulevard or the Cadbury corridor, willy woofters and "plowing the backfield". Although R claims to be completely heterosexual, after a while one starts to wonder if he "bats for the other team", and even might have been the "filling in a triple decker manwich" (the so-called, and apparently highly sought-after, "Lucky Pierre").

At first, R's antics might be viewed as mildly comical, but they wear thin after a few iterations. The biggest problem is that Skypeland really relies on a steady flow of new people to any venue to keep the conversations interesting and fresh. Otherwise, discussions in Skypeland quickly deteriorate into stale, repetitive, tedious drivel and back-biting. Very few find R sufficiently engaging that they are willing to tolerate him for long, and so to allow R to rampage unimpeded and unrestrained for many hours every week is a losing proposition. However, malcontents like R are necessary in small doses to prevent the creation of bland "kumbaya rooms" in Skypeland that are completely boring.

The best option is to make some sort of compromise between these extremes. Lunatics and fruitcakes are necessary, but they should not be allowed to dominate any Skypeland channel.