Skypeland is often awash with internet trolls. Unmanaged, trolls can basically take over and destroy a discussion venue. In small doses, trolls can keep a Skypeland conversation channel fresh and interesting.
Recently I have been repeatedly "smeared" by a troll. Why? Because I dared to say things like:
(1) I do not believe all Americans and Jews are inherently flagitious, heinous, immoral, malificient, and so on, and should be killed.
(2) I do not believe the United States attacked itself on 9.11.01. In spite of all the spitting and venom by conspiracy theorists, I have seen nothing that makes me think otherwise.
(3) I actually believe the Holocaust happened, pretty much in the way that the mainstream history books describe it. I have seen plenty of evidence and studies that support this. Sorry.
(4) I think that World War II actually happened, pretty much the way that most people think it did. Does that offend you? Too bad.
(5) I think Storm Front and the Klu Klux Klan and similar Neo Nazi and White Supremacy organizations are basically sort of nuts. Not that different from the Black Panthers and Nation of Islam and the Black Supremacy organizations, really.
(6) I do not subscribe to the hare-brained idea that the US or some secret cabal of Jews or the Vatican or the Masons or the Skull and Bones Society or the Illuminati or the Bohemian Grove or the US Federal Reserve Bank or the Templar Knights or the CIA or the Council on Foreign Relations or the Bilderburgers or some other secret group is responsible for all the evil on the planet.
(7) I do not trust someone like the "mystery man". Sorry, is there a law that I must trust him? If there is, please show it to me. Otherwise, you know where you can file your complaints.
For the most part, I have avoided this troll. After all, the best advice is "Don't feed the troll". And the poor troll has complained bitterly that I am "boring" because I won't engage him any more. Aw, isn't that too bad, poor trollie-poo...
However, the troll continues to make one crazy accusation after another about me:
i. First, I supposedly called his girlfriend's mother.
ii. Next, I supposedly had my lawyer call his wife.
iii. Then I supposedly called his mother.
iv. Then I supposedly announced I would call his lawyer.
Let me set the record straight. The troll made a HUGE deal when he blustered that he would sue me and others, and threatened even worse. The troll challenged me, over and over and over, dozens of times, to call someone he identified as "his lawyer" who he claimed was possibly related to him in some way. The troll said it many many times, over a several week period. There were lots of witnesses.
So, a couple of months later, when I thought of it, I called the person the troll had challenged me to call; his "lawyer". I was pretty sure that this person was not the troll's lawyer, and had no connection with this troll. After all, almost everything else this troll has said has been wrong, or a lie, or a misrepresentation, or just pure nonsense.
Sure enough, the "lawyer" confirmed for me that there is no relation whatsoever between him and this troll, and never has been. The troll is not the lawyer's client. It is all just pure unadulterated horsepucky. Exactly as one would have expected.
Interestingly a video of this troll's "wedding" does not include any shots of the troll himself, or even include his voice. It only shows his "bride". I wonder what that means? Hmm. What do you think?
Instead, what I have learned about this troll from a little investigation, and what he does not want to reveal, is in fact very very ugly. I wonder why he is so anxious to stir up trouble and potentially expose himself to ridicule and worse? I guess it is just normal behavior for a troll.
Addendum
As I could have predicted, the troll saw this post and flew into a rage, cursing and threatening. Of course, I just left so he could complain about how unfair it all is, without me.
Interestingly, he did this about 5:30 am in his time zone. What was he doing surfing this blog at 5:00 am or 5:30 am? Hmmm.
You would think this young newlywed would be in bed with his wife. Or up getting breakfast for his "kids". As a family man and important international businessman he sure has a lot of time to devote to this silliness. And he sure seems frantic to get me and others to believe the stupidity he dishes out. Well sorry, I am not buying it. Try another sucker.
In addition, this troll has recently tried to make assorted posts in my name. Is this identity theft? Well I guess in a minor way. It is lame and disgusting. But completely true to his base nature.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Splooge
A new visitor to Skypeland came by today. His name is RJ, but he soon acquired the nickname of "Splooge". He is from the UK, and almost immediately he offended every person listening. He attacked the other Brits, and insulted the Americans. Within the first 10 minutes of having introduced himself, he was threatening to have "butt sex" with any man who dared to talk to him.
RJ just spewed a mindless rant of invective-laced drivel, stringing one execratory expletive after another. He had no interests and said nothing that was of any value. He was angry and combative. He was ignorant and proud to be stupid. He was aggressive. RJ was cursing and spitting and sputtering. He hated everyone and everything. He had no reason for showing up to the Skypeland room, and wanted to cut off anyone else who was talking. He refused to answer any questions. He did not want to engage in any dialogue with anyone. RJ threatened. RJ abused. RJ mocked and taunted. RJ derided everyone else, blustering and bullying, grunting and snarling. He issued a long fulminating diatribe replete with obloquious calumny and vituperative vilification. He berated and denunciated. His tongue dripped with contumelious contempt and offensive opprobrium.
And pretty quickly he created a bad impression. See, people can acquire a lousy reputation without very much effort at all, in no time at all.
Hope he is happy with that.
RJ just spewed a mindless rant of invective-laced drivel, stringing one execratory expletive after another. He had no interests and said nothing that was of any value. He was angry and combative. He was ignorant and proud to be stupid. He was aggressive. RJ was cursing and spitting and sputtering. He hated everyone and everything. He had no reason for showing up to the Skypeland room, and wanted to cut off anyone else who was talking. He refused to answer any questions. He did not want to engage in any dialogue with anyone. RJ threatened. RJ abused. RJ mocked and taunted. RJ derided everyone else, blustering and bullying, grunting and snarling. He issued a long fulminating diatribe replete with obloquious calumny and vituperative vilification. He berated and denunciated. His tongue dripped with contumelious contempt and offensive opprobrium.
And pretty quickly he created a bad impression. See, people can acquire a lousy reputation without very much effort at all, in no time at all.
Hope he is happy with that.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Insurance man
As an example of the sort of stupidity that is common in Skypeland, I dropped in to listen to PP, who is normally banned from many Skypeland venues, while he tried to engage a group in conversation. I decided to just listen and stay quiet while visitors came and went for a while. This is a rough record of some of what was said.
PP said he sold insurance; not life insurance, but health insurance. He made it clear that he did not do anything fancy like an actuary, and did not know how to read the "amateurization tables" like the sophisticates do. He was flirting with several women, including Stench Mouth (SM) and her "posse" of babes. SM and the ladies did not know who PP was at first, so they called him "Insurance Man".
SM asked PP how long humans could live. PP said 120 years, but this was met with derision and disbelief by the women, who did not think anyone could live to 120. One of them said "SM , he is pulling your boob" (is that a common expression?). SM said she believed that no one could live past 92, and then changed her mind and said 89.
The women were excited, and constantly tripped over each other and talked over each other trying to talk. However, they did try to allow each other a chance to speak:
G1: you crack on girl
SM: no you go
G1: no you
SM: you go
G1: you go
SM: no you get on with it
G1: go ahead
SM: why don't you talk?
G1: after you
SM: go ahead and say something
G1: no you
SM: you go
G1: you
SM: no you
Finally SM tried to make some sort of analogy:
SM: Suppose you are playing a game of rounders
G1: Can you not have baseball?
SM: We don't play baseball.
G1: They wont understand rounders. What about softball?
SM: We don't have softball.
There was a lot of giggling and cackling at this. SM never got to her analogy:
SM: By the way we kick your ass...the crocker's ass... Down Under I mean.
G1: I really need a wee but I am afraid I might miss something.
PP: Is that the game you play with a flat paddle that is not even aerodynamic?
G1: I need a wee. Can I have a wee?
SM: You mean rowing.
G1: He means cricket. I need a wee.
PP: Of course I mean cricket.
G1. I need a wee. Don't anyone talk when I am gone. I don't want to miss anything.
I am not sure what she was afraid she would miss. I didn't hear anything particularly earthshaking or important or interesting in the conversation. It just sounded like a bunch of dopes getting stupider and stupider talking to each other:
PP: This might surprise you but only about 12% of the US population went to college. I am one of them.
Wow that is surprising.
PP: I want to sell cryotherapy insurance.
G1: I thought you wanted to sell radiotherapy insurance.
SM: That is a pretty cruel thing to sell.
PP: Cryotherapy.
SM: I know cryotherapy. They chop your head off like Disney and freeze it.
After some general merriment, there was a pause in the conversation.
SM: Someone else please talk
PP: What is different between interruption and an interjection?
SM: Can I get insurance if I shag one of the guys in this room and I get pregnant ? Will you insure me for the medical bills?
G1: Ultrasound? Cesarean?
Mrs. B: My jeans are alright, do not panic. My jeans are alright.
G1: What if SM flew over to Mrs. B and Mrs. B stuck his magic wand in her? Cinderella would keep quiet.
M: I don't know about that. My wife has a really good right hook... I will give you D who will show you gals.
G1: SM what if you breed with D? Would you insure her then?
M: SM would shorten D's life expectancy. Not the act, but having to live with her.
SM: You would look in the mirror and say who am I? I have had the best sex of my life and lie down and die.
G1: Do you insure people if they have accidents with their blow up dolls?
SM: I have seen a TV show about these real life dolls. It was really strange.
PP: I am going to get rid of my blow up doll. It is good for carpooling.
SM: And they are good for hand jobs!
M: If I check the website for the real doll, will you get it out of my history?
SM: I want a real live cat. I love my cat.
G1: A male cat you can have sex with. A bit of bestiality.
PP: You can have them make the real doll with the face of whoever you like. For example, Kimber Henry from the Nip Tuck show.
SM: I know who Kimber Henry is. Hellooooo. She fucked him, and then she fucked him. She sucks off women. A transvestite.
G1: I am a transvestite. Will you insure me?
SM: Her vagina was not finished, so it did not have the depth. A younger man wouldn't know that.
G1: I am going to fuck Kimber Henry. She is genius. She is a porn star.
SM: She is quite religious. They didn't show the fucking part on Fox News. Really annoying.
M: Change the subject.
SM: Who is going to see Osama Bin La La?
G1: He is going to come eat your cherry.
SM: Can anyone hear me?
M: No one can hear you SM because you are muted.
C: M, my son in love, has D been teaching you? That is why you are talking so much. Shut up please. Chill out.
G1: Oh my god SM, she has no brains.
SM: What are you talking about?
G2: Just fucking forget it.
SM: Can anyone hear me?
X: I can't hear you.
SM: Who are you?
The conversation was just sort of stream-of-consciousness nonsense:
SM: Put trousers on C and call yourself lovely.
G1: Yep, God shave the queen.
SM: God shave the C.
G1: If you can't shave yourself you can't take the throne.
SM: Fuck off.
PP: Charles is the most ugly male I ever saw.
M: I don't like anyone who eats with their hands.
SM: I quite like eating my food with my hands. Not my feet. It is very sensual.
M: Do you drink wine SM?
SM: Yes... I would with my hands though.
M: Do you drink the wine crushed with feet?
SM: Indeed I do...So eat with your hands; Turkish food, Greek food, Middle Eastern...shoving it into your gob. It is quite gorgeous...I love sushi; spring rolls.
At this point, she made a sound like a pirate:
SM: Arrr! Oh my god...wasabi. I dip in there. I do way too much, and it makes my nose run.
X: You know how to eat wasabi? Mix it with soy sauce.
SM: Awwww... wow, ok.
X: Don't eat wasabi raw.
SM: Ok.
X: Then between courses, eat ginger to clear out your taste buds.
SM: ...a real good dinner party in the UK...I am talking about a 12 course dinner...
M: Isn't that greedy when people are starving in the world?
SM: No.
PP: The food you get you shouldn't throw out...Shouldn't waste. Some assholes who hunt, they leave the kill.
G1: That is different what you are saying, insurance guy.
PP: I am not insurance guy, I am PP.
SM: PP! Oh my god I know who you are.
PP: If you are going to hunt you should use all the animal.
G1: SM is talking about wasting a bit of lettuce and potatoes, not the whole bloody thing. It is ok if she does what she does. She has earned it.
PP: But it is not ok to waste food.
SM: Your example is too extreme.
PP: No you didn't get it. I wasn't comparing.
G1: Everybody wastes food. It depends on what degree we are talking about.
SM: People leaving a few potatoes it is really no big deal.
M: If you are Irish it matters. Or Dutch. Or English.
SM: Speaking of fishing though, I really hate scallops. They are like little little bollocks.
G1: I barbecue them in the shell on the barbie, with herbs and butter.
M: Do you think American football is tougher than rugby?
SM: You are kidding me.
PP: Soccer is gay.
SM: Shut the fuck up. David Beckham is a homo.
M: Really?
G1: His wife is a lesbian.
SM: They are having another baby I think. She has a tiny little butthole.
G1: Really?
In almost every conversation with Brits, sooner or later they start talking about anal sex and buttholes.
SM: Fucking hell, pike are vicious. If you swim with them, they bite you.
PP: They taste good.
M: They are tasty.
G1: My father caught a shark once.
PP: It would be gross if you went to clean a shark and you realized there were human parts inside. Talking about fish boning...
SM: I knew you were a homo. That is disgusting.
G1: I would talk about boning with you. I don't mind.
M: What is the weather like in Tasmania?
G1: Bloody cold. I have thermals on, thermal leggings on...Are you naked insurance man? You can be naked if you want to be. You are with friends.
PP: Go to mebeam and it is just gays jerking each other.
G1: I want to see a wanger. I am going into a room called wank.
PP: After Skypecasts went down it went all gay. Not even usually women, just men.
SM: X, where are you from?
X: I am in the UK ...southern UK...Kent.
SM: I wasn't too far. Where did you grow up?
X: London...South London .
SM: You dirty bastard, I am from North London. Whereabouts in South London? You sound like you are on speed or something.
G1: This guy has a humongous ding dong... No, really.
SM: Give me the link... When I was in college we did a Fawlty Towers sketch. We changed it to Farty Towels. We were very impressed with ourselves.
PP: It sounds like a satire.
SM: It wasn't satirical at all. Satirical is something that makes a mockery of the daily day. Fawlty Towers is about a fucking bed and breakfast.
Then she noticed that I was listening to the discussion, so she said:
SM: You write blog posts about me. You are a cunt on a stick. I will put on my strap on up there. KK, get a fucking bondage on your boy. I cant think of something outrageous to say. I am not interesting.
Ah yes, more anal sex talk from Brits. Fancy that. Then a few minutes later she said:
SM: If my bumhole counts as a vagina I have two vaginas.
A: Hello girls. What are we talking about?
G1: We are talking about extra parts like having two vaginas.
A: The only think I got extra is brains man.
SM summarized things, and then lectured us a bit about Kuwait:
SM: We found out he is PP and we threw up on our own shoes. I am in Kuwait and no one answers the call to prayer. No one goes to pray. Not a fucking one. Not one single bugger of them. I have no idea why they make such a big deal about their religion. If you are going to make it a big deal, at least go and pray. Instead they go to Burger King or Pizza Hut, shoving their faces full of food. Also, these girls are sluts. They so are. They bump into you and go tee hee hee. Walking around with my husband, it pisses me off. Of course, we never wear our wedding rings, so they see him a single Westerner. They probably think I am his sister. Oh god, how disgusting.
C: or his grand daughter
SM: I am only 7, 8 years older than him...Wait, no younger. Can you imagine what K comes over here? What the hell is she going to do? She says, "we have a caaaaake". I can't do Australian.
G1: Proper Australian accent...
PP: Your shoes are wet? I don't think that is why your shoes are wet.
SM: How dare you! I will slap you in your face with a kipper! KK, say something.
KK: How can I compete with two vaginas? Can I talk about exercise programs? Are you vegetarians or meat eaters? Guys do you eat meat?
PP: Yes, especially the hairy beaver.
SM: How disgusting! Slap yourself in the face. Oh my God I want to punch you in the baby makers. Shut up! On YouTube I saw some guy who said there were niggers in my back yard and he shot them. Nasty 007 this your pants out ways to killing people. I will kick your bollocks in... How often have you seen the white puddle? Stop wanking! ... I slept with 4 American guys and all fucked...
D explained why he had a problem with A. D had told A his real name, "Sammy" and in an argument, A revealed it in a sneering manner. A claimed he had not used the name "Sammy", but had used "Sandy". It did not sound very believable, frankly, particularly given the long line of blatant lies A has tried to push before. Of course, A likes to back his lies up by threatening to kill anyone who expresses disbelief in any statement he makes. Yes, very compelling. And such a big man. I am impressed....
D referred to A living in the Ukraine:
Mucus: A doesn't live in the Ukraine. He lives in Crimea. He lives in Kiev.
A: That is right.
Does anyone ever look at a map? Oh that is right, we are talking about Mucus. Mucus has had a computer for 2 years and still does not know how to use Google. Never mind.
At this Mucus launched into a little song, that had as the chorus:
Mucus: D, D, orange pit, Tell us a story...
It did not make any sense to me.
S: Mucus you are not allowed in the United States. You are a convicted felon.
Mucus: I am allowed in. Why would I want to go there? I can go to any country but Turkey.
D: Why can't you go to Turkey?
Mucus, in an angry expletive-laden rant, claimed that no one who had a Greek last name could go to Turkey since his brother had tried to take a ferry from Cyprus to Turkey 15 years ago and had been refused. Mucus was furious about everything, and started threatening to kill anyone listening. S asked him why he was so angry, and asked if he had had anything to eat yet that day (it was about 5 pm UK time). Mucus confirmed that he had not had anything to eat all day, and maybe for a couple of days.
D, who lives in Greece, said that was a bit strange since the Greek people he knew went to Turkey all the time with Greek passports, and they all had Greek last names. This just made Mucus angrier and he threatened to kill everyone that he could get his hands on, particularly those listening:
Mucus: Is Greece Cyprus? Is Cyprus Greece? It is not the same country. Might speak the same language. My brother couldn't go to Turkey since his last name is Greek on his UK passport. Greek people cannot go to Turkey...Why do I want to go to fucking Turkey? It is a fucking shithole. It is full of fucking bathhouses and queers. They are Muslims man. America is pushing for Turkey to join the EU. All know they are pushing for Turkey to join the EU. Sort out their own back yard first. I would go a thousand miles to avoid going to Turkey. What is Turkey for me? It is full of queers. It is a shithole.
D: The sensitivity of Greek immigration has been relaxed. You can go for a day trip. Or a week trip.
Mucus: I won't spend 5 minutes or a day in Turkey let alone a day trip. My brother tried to go 15 years ago but with a Greek name he couldn't. Fact is he couldn't.
D: He can now... Mucus have you read the bible?
Mucus: I haven't read one sentence in the bible. I would rather read truth or facts. Not going to read a book of bullshit, Hebrew schmuck. Eat your fucking pork.
S: Mucus is not allowed in T's room.
PP: Why?
Z: He called T's wife a fat cunt.
Mucus: Probably is if she is American.
L: Mucus, I am the future mother of your child and this is how you talk to me?
Mucus: Probably is if she is American.
This was punctuated by heavy mouth breathing by Mucus. The cavalcade of idiocy continued:
X: I am going to get a job in the highway commission.
Mucus: Why are the roads so bad around here?
X: Water expands when it freezes.
PP: Does it really?
X: Water freezes and it expands.
PP: Does it really?
At this point, the guys realized that the women were not speaking. This often happens in Skypeland. There is a conversation with girls in it, and guys move in and dominate it, usually talking about complete boring nonsense and getting into fights. Before you know it, all the women have wandered off.
X: Where are the tarts?
D: Mucus, have you read the bible?
Mucus: I read about a sentence.
A: Mucus, can you explain the Big Bang Theory?
Mucus: There was a big bang meteor, crashing to earth and starting life.
A: Wrong.
Mucus: Go on and explain it to me. When I hear big bang I think good sex. That is the only big bang theory I am interested in.
A: You haven't heard of the big bang?
Mucus: Of course I have heard of it. I can't comprehend as you well know. If the galaxy has any sense it will be moving away from this fucking shithole.
S: I am out and about and doing some work.
Mucus: Have I got a big cock? At least I haven't been circumcised. It my advantage mate believe me. I can eat pork and I can eat bacon.
X: What does that have to do with it?
Mucus: Usually if you are circumcised you are a Jew and Jews don't eat pork and bacon, do they?
D: Did you know Muslims are circumcised? You don't know much. You thought there were 30 million Jews in Israel.
Mucus: So what? Seven million Jews. Why repeat yourself? ...Pigs...Has to do with the dirty animals. Pigs will eat human bodies you know.
S: What?
Mucus: You are pants over trousers.
S: What does that mean?
Mucus: Ha, ha. Pants over trousers.
S: You should eat something. Maybe a sandwich with mayonnaise.
Mucus: Mayonnaise is fucking Dutch. We don't have mayonnaise here. We have salad cream.
S: Salad cream? No mayonnaise?
Mucus: I told you it is a fucking Dutch thing. Salad cream looks like mayonnaise but tastes a bit better.
S: You have to eat.
Mucus: I understand protein and what kind of parbohydrates I have to take in.
S: You have steroid rage.
Mucus: One moment I am on steroid the next moment I am starving.
S: You Brits are eating Yankee fish.
Mucus: What is a Yankee fish? Is that a smelly pussy in America?
S: I am putting lime on the garden.
Mucus: You don't put that on the garden. You use fucking manure.
Mucus became angrier and angrier, and threatened to kill everyone listening. His sidekick Mrs. B came in. It was early evening UK time.
S: What did you eat today Mrs. B?
Mrs. B: I have had a cream bun today. It was be-yooooooooo-tiful. And tea.
That is all he had eaten all day. Maybe for a couple of days. Mrs. B has a very poor diet. He proudly told us a couple of months ago that he had not had a single fresh vegetable or piece of fruit since early October. No fresh fruit or vegetables for months and months.
Mucus: America is no good since you got no castles.
PP: We have a castle in Death Valley.
Mucus: Death Fucking Valley.
S: I am gardening today.
Mucus: Americans dont know nothing about gardening that is why you have Mexicans, you lazy fat bastards. I am going to kill you all.
S: Mucus you don't have anything to eat and you have no money. You have to buy a plane ticket to fly over here to kill us. You have no money for a plane ticket.
Mucus: I have money.
S: Mucus buys one liter at a time. If he has a lot of money he puts in 10 liters.
Mucus: One minute I am a dumbfuck Brit and the next moment I am a millionaire.
I have never heard anyone say Mucus is a millionaire. I do not know where he got that idea.
S: G, take over you have a couple of crazy Brits here suffering from malnutrition.
G: Every time a shithouse stinks you leave it don't you?
PP said he sold insurance; not life insurance, but health insurance. He made it clear that he did not do anything fancy like an actuary, and did not know how to read the "amateurization tables" like the sophisticates do. He was flirting with several women, including Stench Mouth (SM) and her "posse" of babes. SM and the ladies did not know who PP was at first, so they called him "Insurance Man".
SM asked PP how long humans could live. PP said 120 years, but this was met with derision and disbelief by the women, who did not think anyone could live to 120. One of them said "SM , he is pulling your boob" (is that a common expression?). SM said she believed that no one could live past 92, and then changed her mind and said 89.
The women were excited, and constantly tripped over each other and talked over each other trying to talk. However, they did try to allow each other a chance to speak:
G1: you crack on girl
SM: no you go
G1: no you
SM: you go
G1: you go
SM: no you get on with it
G1: go ahead
SM: why don't you talk?
G1: after you
SM: go ahead and say something
G1: no you
SM: you go
G1: you
SM: no you
Finally SM tried to make some sort of analogy:
SM: Suppose you are playing a game of rounders
G1: Can you not have baseball?
SM: We don't play baseball.
G1: They wont understand rounders. What about softball?
SM: We don't have softball.
There was a lot of giggling and cackling at this. SM never got to her analogy:
SM: By the way we kick your ass...the crocker's ass... Down Under I mean.
G1: I really need a wee but I am afraid I might miss something.
PP: Is that the game you play with a flat paddle that is not even aerodynamic?
G1: I need a wee. Can I have a wee?
SM: You mean rowing.
G1: He means cricket. I need a wee.
PP: Of course I mean cricket.
G1. I need a wee. Don't anyone talk when I am gone. I don't want to miss anything.
I am not sure what she was afraid she would miss. I didn't hear anything particularly earthshaking or important or interesting in the conversation. It just sounded like a bunch of dopes getting stupider and stupider talking to each other:
PP: This might surprise you but only about 12% of the US population went to college. I am one of them.
Wow that is surprising.
PP: I want to sell cryotherapy insurance.
G1: I thought you wanted to sell radiotherapy insurance.
SM: That is a pretty cruel thing to sell.
PP: Cryotherapy.
SM: I know cryotherapy. They chop your head off like Disney and freeze it.
After some general merriment, there was a pause in the conversation.
SM: Someone else please talk
PP: What is different between interruption and an interjection?
SM: Can I get insurance if I shag one of the guys in this room and I get pregnant ? Will you insure me for the medical bills?
G1: Ultrasound? Cesarean?
Mrs. B: My jeans are alright, do not panic. My jeans are alright.
G1: What if SM flew over to Mrs. B and Mrs. B stuck his magic wand in her? Cinderella would keep quiet.
M: I don't know about that. My wife has a really good right hook... I will give you D who will show you gals.
G1: SM what if you breed with D? Would you insure her then?
M: SM would shorten D's life expectancy. Not the act, but having to live with her.
SM: You would look in the mirror and say who am I? I have had the best sex of my life and lie down and die.
G1: Do you insure people if they have accidents with their blow up dolls?
SM: I have seen a TV show about these real life dolls. It was really strange.
PP: I am going to get rid of my blow up doll. It is good for carpooling.
SM: And they are good for hand jobs!
M: If I check the website for the real doll, will you get it out of my history?
SM: I want a real live cat. I love my cat.
G1: A male cat you can have sex with. A bit of bestiality.
PP: You can have them make the real doll with the face of whoever you like. For example, Kimber Henry from the Nip Tuck show.
SM: I know who Kimber Henry is. Hellooooo. She fucked him, and then she fucked him. She sucks off women. A transvestite.
G1: I am a transvestite. Will you insure me?
SM: Her vagina was not finished, so it did not have the depth. A younger man wouldn't know that.
G1: I am going to fuck Kimber Henry. She is genius. She is a porn star.
SM: She is quite religious. They didn't show the fucking part on Fox News. Really annoying.
M: Change the subject.
SM: Who is going to see Osama Bin La La?
G1: He is going to come eat your cherry.
SM: Can anyone hear me?
M: No one can hear you SM because you are muted.
C: M, my son in love, has D been teaching you? That is why you are talking so much. Shut up please. Chill out.
G1: Oh my god SM, she has no brains.
SM: What are you talking about?
G2: Just fucking forget it.
SM: Can anyone hear me?
X: I can't hear you.
SM: Who are you?
The conversation was just sort of stream-of-consciousness nonsense:
SM: Put trousers on C and call yourself lovely.
G1: Yep, God shave the queen.
SM: God shave the C.
G1: If you can't shave yourself you can't take the throne.
SM: Fuck off.
PP: Charles is the most ugly male I ever saw.
M: I don't like anyone who eats with their hands.
SM: I quite like eating my food with my hands. Not my feet. It is very sensual.
M: Do you drink wine SM?
SM: Yes... I would with my hands though.
M: Do you drink the wine crushed with feet?
SM: Indeed I do...So eat with your hands; Turkish food, Greek food, Middle Eastern...shoving it into your gob. It is quite gorgeous...I love sushi; spring rolls.
At this point, she made a sound like a pirate:
SM: Arrr! Oh my god...wasabi. I dip in there. I do way too much, and it makes my nose run.
X: You know how to eat wasabi? Mix it with soy sauce.
SM: Awwww... wow, ok.
X: Don't eat wasabi raw.
SM: Ok.
X: Then between courses, eat ginger to clear out your taste buds.
SM: ...a real good dinner party in the UK...I am talking about a 12 course dinner...
M: Isn't that greedy when people are starving in the world?
SM: No.
PP: The food you get you shouldn't throw out...Shouldn't waste. Some assholes who hunt, they leave the kill.
G1: That is different what you are saying, insurance guy.
PP: I am not insurance guy, I am PP.
SM: PP! Oh my god I know who you are.
PP: If you are going to hunt you should use all the animal.
G1: SM is talking about wasting a bit of lettuce and potatoes, not the whole bloody thing. It is ok if she does what she does. She has earned it.
PP: But it is not ok to waste food.
SM: Your example is too extreme.
PP: No you didn't get it. I wasn't comparing.
G1: Everybody wastes food. It depends on what degree we are talking about.
SM: People leaving a few potatoes it is really no big deal.
M: If you are Irish it matters. Or Dutch. Or English.
SM: Speaking of fishing though, I really hate scallops. They are like little little bollocks.
G1: I barbecue them in the shell on the barbie, with herbs and butter.
M: Do you think American football is tougher than rugby?
SM: You are kidding me.
PP: Soccer is gay.
SM: Shut the fuck up. David Beckham is a homo.
M: Really?
G1: His wife is a lesbian.
SM: They are having another baby I think. She has a tiny little butthole.
G1: Really?
In almost every conversation with Brits, sooner or later they start talking about anal sex and buttholes.
SM: Fucking hell, pike are vicious. If you swim with them, they bite you.
PP: They taste good.
M: They are tasty.
G1: My father caught a shark once.
PP: It would be gross if you went to clean a shark and you realized there were human parts inside. Talking about fish boning...
SM: I knew you were a homo. That is disgusting.
G1: I would talk about boning with you. I don't mind.
M: What is the weather like in Tasmania?
G1: Bloody cold. I have thermals on, thermal leggings on...Are you naked insurance man? You can be naked if you want to be. You are with friends.
PP: Go to mebeam and it is just gays jerking each other.
G1: I want to see a wanger. I am going into a room called wank.
PP: After Skypecasts went down it went all gay. Not even usually women, just men.
SM: X, where are you from?
X: I am in the UK ...southern UK...Kent.
SM: I wasn't too far. Where did you grow up?
X: London...South London .
SM: You dirty bastard, I am from North London. Whereabouts in South London? You sound like you are on speed or something.
G1: This guy has a humongous ding dong... No, really.
SM: Give me the link... When I was in college we did a Fawlty Towers sketch. We changed it to Farty Towels. We were very impressed with ourselves.
PP: It sounds like a satire.
SM: It wasn't satirical at all. Satirical is something that makes a mockery of the daily day. Fawlty Towers is about a fucking bed and breakfast.
Then she noticed that I was listening to the discussion, so she said:
SM: You write blog posts about me. You are a cunt on a stick. I will put on my strap on up there. KK, get a fucking bondage on your boy. I cant think of something outrageous to say. I am not interesting.
Ah yes, more anal sex talk from Brits. Fancy that. Then a few minutes later she said:
SM: If my bumhole counts as a vagina I have two vaginas.
A: Hello girls. What are we talking about?
G1: We are talking about extra parts like having two vaginas.
A: The only think I got extra is brains man.
SM summarized things, and then lectured us a bit about Kuwait:
SM: We found out he is PP and we threw up on our own shoes. I am in Kuwait and no one answers the call to prayer. No one goes to pray. Not a fucking one. Not one single bugger of them. I have no idea why they make such a big deal about their religion. If you are going to make it a big deal, at least go and pray. Instead they go to Burger King or Pizza Hut, shoving their faces full of food. Also, these girls are sluts. They so are. They bump into you and go tee hee hee. Walking around with my husband, it pisses me off. Of course, we never wear our wedding rings, so they see him a single Westerner. They probably think I am his sister. Oh god, how disgusting.
C: or his grand daughter
SM: I am only 7, 8 years older than him...Wait, no younger. Can you imagine what K comes over here? What the hell is she going to do? She says, "we have a caaaaake". I can't do Australian.
G1: Proper Australian accent...
PP: Your shoes are wet? I don't think that is why your shoes are wet.
SM: How dare you! I will slap you in your face with a kipper! KK, say something.
KK: How can I compete with two vaginas? Can I talk about exercise programs? Are you vegetarians or meat eaters? Guys do you eat meat?
PP: Yes, especially the hairy beaver.
SM: How disgusting! Slap yourself in the face. Oh my God I want to punch you in the baby makers. Shut up! On YouTube I saw some guy who said there were niggers in my back yard and he shot them. Nasty 007 this your pants out ways to killing people. I will kick your bollocks in... How often have you seen the white puddle? Stop wanking! ... I slept with 4 American guys and all fucked...
D explained why he had a problem with A. D had told A his real name, "Sammy" and in an argument, A revealed it in a sneering manner. A claimed he had not used the name "Sammy", but had used "Sandy". It did not sound very believable, frankly, particularly given the long line of blatant lies A has tried to push before. Of course, A likes to back his lies up by threatening to kill anyone who expresses disbelief in any statement he makes. Yes, very compelling. And such a big man. I am impressed....
D referred to A living in the Ukraine:
Mucus: A doesn't live in the Ukraine. He lives in Crimea. He lives in Kiev.
A: That is right.
Does anyone ever look at a map? Oh that is right, we are talking about Mucus. Mucus has had a computer for 2 years and still does not know how to use Google. Never mind.
At this Mucus launched into a little song, that had as the chorus:
Mucus: D, D, orange pit, Tell us a story...
It did not make any sense to me.
S: Mucus you are not allowed in the United States. You are a convicted felon.
Mucus: I am allowed in. Why would I want to go there? I can go to any country but Turkey.
D: Why can't you go to Turkey?
Mucus, in an angry expletive-laden rant, claimed that no one who had a Greek last name could go to Turkey since his brother had tried to take a ferry from Cyprus to Turkey 15 years ago and had been refused. Mucus was furious about everything, and started threatening to kill anyone listening. S asked him why he was so angry, and asked if he had had anything to eat yet that day (it was about 5 pm UK time). Mucus confirmed that he had not had anything to eat all day, and maybe for a couple of days.
D, who lives in Greece, said that was a bit strange since the Greek people he knew went to Turkey all the time with Greek passports, and they all had Greek last names. This just made Mucus angrier and he threatened to kill everyone that he could get his hands on, particularly those listening:
Mucus: Is Greece Cyprus? Is Cyprus Greece? It is not the same country. Might speak the same language. My brother couldn't go to Turkey since his last name is Greek on his UK passport. Greek people cannot go to Turkey...Why do I want to go to fucking Turkey? It is a fucking shithole. It is full of fucking bathhouses and queers. They are Muslims man. America is pushing for Turkey to join the EU. All know they are pushing for Turkey to join the EU. Sort out their own back yard first. I would go a thousand miles to avoid going to Turkey. What is Turkey for me? It is full of queers. It is a shithole.
D: The sensitivity of Greek immigration has been relaxed. You can go for a day trip. Or a week trip.
Mucus: I won't spend 5 minutes or a day in Turkey let alone a day trip. My brother tried to go 15 years ago but with a Greek name he couldn't. Fact is he couldn't.
D: He can now... Mucus have you read the bible?
Mucus: I haven't read one sentence in the bible. I would rather read truth or facts. Not going to read a book of bullshit, Hebrew schmuck. Eat your fucking pork.
S: Mucus is not allowed in T's room.
PP: Why?
Z: He called T's wife a fat cunt.
Mucus: Probably is if she is American.
L: Mucus, I am the future mother of your child and this is how you talk to me?
Mucus: Probably is if she is American.
This was punctuated by heavy mouth breathing by Mucus. The cavalcade of idiocy continued:
X: I am going to get a job in the highway commission.
Mucus: Why are the roads so bad around here?
X: Water expands when it freezes.
PP: Does it really?
X: Water freezes and it expands.
PP: Does it really?
At this point, the guys realized that the women were not speaking. This often happens in Skypeland. There is a conversation with girls in it, and guys move in and dominate it, usually talking about complete boring nonsense and getting into fights. Before you know it, all the women have wandered off.
X: Where are the tarts?
D: Mucus, have you read the bible?
Mucus: I read about a sentence.
A: Mucus, can you explain the Big Bang Theory?
Mucus: There was a big bang meteor, crashing to earth and starting life.
A: Wrong.
Mucus: Go on and explain it to me. When I hear big bang I think good sex. That is the only big bang theory I am interested in.
A: You haven't heard of the big bang?
Mucus: Of course I have heard of it. I can't comprehend as you well know. If the galaxy has any sense it will be moving away from this fucking shithole.
S: I am out and about and doing some work.
Mucus: Have I got a big cock? At least I haven't been circumcised. It my advantage mate believe me. I can eat pork and I can eat bacon.
X: What does that have to do with it?
Mucus: Usually if you are circumcised you are a Jew and Jews don't eat pork and bacon, do they?
D: Did you know Muslims are circumcised? You don't know much. You thought there were 30 million Jews in Israel.
Mucus: So what? Seven million Jews. Why repeat yourself? ...Pigs...Has to do with the dirty animals. Pigs will eat human bodies you know.
S: What?
Mucus: You are pants over trousers.
S: What does that mean?
Mucus: Ha, ha. Pants over trousers.
S: You should eat something. Maybe a sandwich with mayonnaise.
Mucus: Mayonnaise is fucking Dutch. We don't have mayonnaise here. We have salad cream.
S: Salad cream? No mayonnaise?
Mucus: I told you it is a fucking Dutch thing. Salad cream looks like mayonnaise but tastes a bit better.
S: You have to eat.
Mucus: I understand protein and what kind of parbohydrates I have to take in.
S: You have steroid rage.
Mucus: One moment I am on steroid the next moment I am starving.
S: You Brits are eating Yankee fish.
Mucus: What is a Yankee fish? Is that a smelly pussy in America?
S: I am putting lime on the garden.
Mucus: You don't put that on the garden. You use fucking manure.
Mucus became angrier and angrier, and threatened to kill everyone listening. His sidekick Mrs. B came in. It was early evening UK time.
S: What did you eat today Mrs. B?
Mrs. B: I have had a cream bun today. It was be-yooooooooo-tiful. And tea.
That is all he had eaten all day. Maybe for a couple of days. Mrs. B has a very poor diet. He proudly told us a couple of months ago that he had not had a single fresh vegetable or piece of fruit since early October. No fresh fruit or vegetables for months and months.
Mucus: America is no good since you got no castles.
PP: We have a castle in Death Valley.
Mucus: Death Fucking Valley.
S: I am gardening today.
Mucus: Americans dont know nothing about gardening that is why you have Mexicans, you lazy fat bastards. I am going to kill you all.
S: Mucus you don't have anything to eat and you have no money. You have to buy a plane ticket to fly over here to kill us. You have no money for a plane ticket.
Mucus: I have money.
S: Mucus buys one liter at a time. If he has a lot of money he puts in 10 liters.
Mucus: One minute I am a dumbfuck Brit and the next moment I am a millionaire.
I have never heard anyone say Mucus is a millionaire. I do not know where he got that idea.
S: G, take over you have a couple of crazy Brits here suffering from malnutrition.
G: Every time a shithouse stinks you leave it don't you?
And so I left.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Are women interested in sex?
The anonymity of Skypeland creates a sort of crucible in which all sorts of concerns can be explored. This includes discussions of sex and erotic material.
Under normal circumstances (at least in most cultures), women are discouraged from revealing any interest in fornication and related activities in the majority of situations (exceptions like the matriarchal culture of the Mosuo of Tibet stand out because they are so different). A lot of these barriers are weakened considerably in Skypeland however.
Studies of the so-called "pedigree error rate" (that is, the fraction of offspring that are not fathered by the husband or primary mate) in humans and other species show that infidelity by females is far more common than had been previously thought. [1] [2] [3]
In addition, it is very enlightening to compare male and female statistics on usage of internet search terms. Surpringly, half the internet searches for "sex ads", "sex chat" or "sex" are executed by females. More than half the searches (56%) for "free sex" and "teen sex" and 59% of the searches for "cyber sex" are made by females. Even more striking, 64% of the searches for "adult dating" and "adult sex" are performed by women. Although women are a minority of visitors to pornographic websites (28%), they still visit in significant numbers (9.4 million visits per month), 70% of those polled keep their online erotic activities secret and 13% admit that they access pornographic sites from work. [4] Although women have an image of being far more prim and proper than men, they are not markedly less involved than males in online prurient activities.
Women do have to be careful because there are still some that will brand them as "sluts" if they show any enthusiasm for sex that is deemed inappropriate or unseemly. For example, the shrill shrew J lobbed this charge at assorted women who frequent a Skypeland venue when she threw a tantrum in response to my suggestion that I did not trust her cyber boyfriend, the mystery man A:
[4/20/2009 7:35:05 PM] J says: I dont need to listen to drunks, desperate women who slut themselves out to any man who will come their way, or morons.
Therefore, women in Skypeland have to be cautious that they do not display an excess of licentiousness, or the wrong kind of interest in sex. Nevertheless, one can still find lots of examples of women in Skypeland who are not particularly guarded in revealing their salaciousness and libertine natures.
YL is young milkmaid from Iceland who has a voice that is so sweet that it positively drips honey. YL's pictures show a gorgeous vivacious temptress. According to YL, she packed on 45 pounds after an illness and now has eye-popping, mind-bending curves (size 8/10, 36DDD, and a very leggy 5'10". She is also a runner; is she at risk for black eyes? Is she a candidate for a kush?). Men apparently walk into walls around her. YL notices that after she passes, males who are sitting are not able to stand up, while standing males who are trying to sit down grimace in discomfort and pain.
YL is unfortunately in a sexless relationship, but clearly her libido is in overdrive. YL has a slightly outrageous side. YL taunts and teases every male within earshot (with the possible exception of dedicated homosexuals like the San Diego naked realtor J [5]). YL alleges that this performance is limited to Skypeland, but one has to wonder. She certainly seems natural when she delivers those flirty lines. Interestingly, although her male counterpart Mr. Wee Wee Hands (who admittedly engages in far more extreme behavior when he hits on both women and men) is almost universally reviled in Skypeland (and is often immediately ejected from many Skypeland venues), YL is adored by most in Skypeland.
Aussie "man's man" MM is an exception. MM talks in a calm authoritative voice, with a gentle Aussie accent. MM projects a strong, rough, tough image (similar to that of Mick Dundee) and is fiercely proud of "the lucky country". For example, MM brags relentlessly about sports Down Under*, particularly Australian Rules Football (which is not played anywhere else really, so it is a bit hard to compare). MM is convinced that Aussie athletes can beat athletes from anywhere else in the world, in spite of evidence to the contrary (for example, does anyone really believe that an Aussie footie player would turn down a contract worth tens of millions of dollars to play in the NFL?).
MM is also quite the lady's man, and has a harem of babes that come over for servicing when the "need" arises. When several Skypeland females scolded MM for this, MM recounted a story about having his heart broken by an ex-girlfriend, the love of his life. Instantly every Skypeland women listening melted, and then started to fawn over MM. I guess he was forgiven.
The flirtatious YL set her sights on MM and went a bit over the top, inviting MM to "eat the jizz out of my asshole". While many males might welcome such an offer, or take it as an encouraging sign, MM was disgusted. This has created unfortunate tensions between MM and YL, although other Skypeland regulars remain puzzled.
Another female who likes dirty talk is LM, who some have nicknamed "Stench Mouth" for her extreme assertions. LM not only encourages others like Mr. Wee Wee Hands to make outrageous leering lewd wisecracks and remarks, but has volunteered the information that she often enjoys stimulating her rectal passage by cornholing herself with the handles of ladles, spatulas, brushes and other kitchen implements. Of course, she is a Brit, so it stands to reason.
A lady who seems to get away with almost as many outrageous flirtatious statements is SN from Missouri. Perhaps because she hails from the "show me" state, SN maintains a long list of beaus, suitors, inamoratos, swains, and admirers in Skypeland who are seduced by her naughty pornographic dialogue, shocking carnal revelations and incredibly sexy photos. SN greets most semi-normal Skypeland males (which might be a bit of an oxymoron) by purring and cooing, "Hi baby. Oooh I missed you". SN tantalizes and titillates males with her recitations of her favorite sexual positions and lewd practices, including rimming and ultralong marathon sexual sessions that go on for hours and hours until all concerned are barely able to walk. These accounts have Skypeland males SN has invited to visit considering if they should get a Viagra or a Cialis prescription filled first.
AM is a unique lady from Maine. AM is very interested in boning, getting a put-in, porking, rolling in the hay, balling, knocking boots, doing the mattress mambo, screwing, getting some beef in her taco, humping, greasing a rod, stuffing her muffin, playing hide the salami, banging, waxing the pole, getting mounted, boinking, schtupping, bumping uglies, getting a hot poke, and so on, and makes no secret of it. AM has twice travelled to Morocco to engage in wanton licentious activities which she was glad to tell everyone about (I documented this in the blog article entitled "Four days at Mohammed International").
The shrill shrew J might at first glance seem to be a "paragon of propriety", completely virtuous and chaste and above reproach. That is certainly what she wants everyone else to believe. However, all is not necessarily what it appears. For example, although J has chastised other males for making advances, J purred and cooed when Mystery Man A told a Skypeland roomful that "J has really big tits. I have seen them, isn't that right J?" J did not object at all, and even flirted back. Maybe J is not quite as reserved, unsullied, wholesome and incorruptible as she wants people to think.
The lovely K from Austria also seems very sensible, untarnished and principled. K is approaching middle age, and is always very composed, restrained and rational. However, after some prodding, K revealed that she "caught" her husband at the beach. When he saw her in a bathing suit, he was hooked for good. And that was that. We all know what that means.
C from Sweden has one of the sweetest voices in Skypeland, and a beautiful accent. Reports from those who have seen C on webcam are that C is breathtakingly attractive; absolutely strikingly gorgeous. C is very careful to guard her privacy and presents a very proper image. However, C has complained to me that I make her sound excessively stiff, starchy, dour, dowdy and frumpy in this blog. I am sure that C has normal instincts, but is perhaps just more circumspect and prudent than many others. And although I have no direct reason to believe anything different, it appears that even the most ostensibly prudish of Skypeland females has a healthy affinity for carnal pleasures and she was even insulted at the slightest hint that she did not.
Clearly from the evidence revealed in Skypeland conversations, women have plenty of lascivious interests, no matter what the dictates of assorted social norms suggest. I remember when I was growing up being given advice by a wise old gentleman who told me, "All women are interested in sex. After all, their mothers did it..."
Addendum
* When I hear the phrase "sports down under", I think of the Australian spiny anteater, the echidna, which has a penis with four heads (although only two are fully developed). [6] [7] Some claim that while one penis is in use, the other rests for the next use. This kind of equipment might come in handy if you had to go visit SN from Missouri; it would be like getting a second wind.
Under normal circumstances (at least in most cultures), women are discouraged from revealing any interest in fornication and related activities in the majority of situations (exceptions like the matriarchal culture of the Mosuo of Tibet stand out because they are so different). A lot of these barriers are weakened considerably in Skypeland however.
Studies of the so-called "pedigree error rate" (that is, the fraction of offspring that are not fathered by the husband or primary mate) in humans and other species show that infidelity by females is far more common than had been previously thought. [1] [2] [3]
In addition, it is very enlightening to compare male and female statistics on usage of internet search terms. Surpringly, half the internet searches for "sex ads", "sex chat" or "sex" are executed by females. More than half the searches (56%) for "free sex" and "teen sex" and 59% of the searches for "cyber sex" are made by females. Even more striking, 64% of the searches for "adult dating" and "adult sex" are performed by women. Although women are a minority of visitors to pornographic websites (28%), they still visit in significant numbers (9.4 million visits per month), 70% of those polled keep their online erotic activities secret and 13% admit that they access pornographic sites from work. [4] Although women have an image of being far more prim and proper than men, they are not markedly less involved than males in online prurient activities.
Women do have to be careful because there are still some that will brand them as "sluts" if they show any enthusiasm for sex that is deemed inappropriate or unseemly. For example, the shrill shrew J lobbed this charge at assorted women who frequent a Skypeland venue when she threw a tantrum in response to my suggestion that I did not trust her cyber boyfriend, the mystery man A:
[4/20/2009 7:35:05 PM] J says: I dont need to listen to drunks, desperate women who slut themselves out to any man who will come their way, or morons.
Therefore, women in Skypeland have to be cautious that they do not display an excess of licentiousness, or the wrong kind of interest in sex. Nevertheless, one can still find lots of examples of women in Skypeland who are not particularly guarded in revealing their salaciousness and libertine natures.
YL is young milkmaid from Iceland who has a voice that is so sweet that it positively drips honey. YL's pictures show a gorgeous vivacious temptress. According to YL, she packed on 45 pounds after an illness and now has eye-popping, mind-bending curves (size 8/10, 36DDD, and a very leggy 5'10". She is also a runner; is she at risk for black eyes? Is she a candidate for a kush?). Men apparently walk into walls around her. YL notices that after she passes, males who are sitting are not able to stand up, while standing males who are trying to sit down grimace in discomfort and pain.
YL is unfortunately in a sexless relationship, but clearly her libido is in overdrive. YL has a slightly outrageous side. YL taunts and teases every male within earshot (with the possible exception of dedicated homosexuals like the San Diego naked realtor J [5]). YL alleges that this performance is limited to Skypeland, but one has to wonder. She certainly seems natural when she delivers those flirty lines. Interestingly, although her male counterpart Mr. Wee Wee Hands (who admittedly engages in far more extreme behavior when he hits on both women and men) is almost universally reviled in Skypeland (and is often immediately ejected from many Skypeland venues), YL is adored by most in Skypeland.
Aussie "man's man" MM is an exception. MM talks in a calm authoritative voice, with a gentle Aussie accent. MM projects a strong, rough, tough image (similar to that of Mick Dundee) and is fiercely proud of "the lucky country". For example, MM brags relentlessly about sports Down Under*, particularly Australian Rules Football (which is not played anywhere else really, so it is a bit hard to compare). MM is convinced that Aussie athletes can beat athletes from anywhere else in the world, in spite of evidence to the contrary (for example, does anyone really believe that an Aussie footie player would turn down a contract worth tens of millions of dollars to play in the NFL?).
MM is also quite the lady's man, and has a harem of babes that come over for servicing when the "need" arises. When several Skypeland females scolded MM for this, MM recounted a story about having his heart broken by an ex-girlfriend, the love of his life. Instantly every Skypeland women listening melted, and then started to fawn over MM. I guess he was forgiven.
The flirtatious YL set her sights on MM and went a bit over the top, inviting MM to "eat the jizz out of my asshole". While many males might welcome such an offer, or take it as an encouraging sign, MM was disgusted. This has created unfortunate tensions between MM and YL, although other Skypeland regulars remain puzzled.
Another female who likes dirty talk is LM, who some have nicknamed "Stench Mouth" for her extreme assertions. LM not only encourages others like Mr. Wee Wee Hands to make outrageous leering lewd wisecracks and remarks, but has volunteered the information that she often enjoys stimulating her rectal passage by cornholing herself with the handles of ladles, spatulas, brushes and other kitchen implements. Of course, she is a Brit, so it stands to reason.
A lady who seems to get away with almost as many outrageous flirtatious statements is SN from Missouri. Perhaps because she hails from the "show me" state, SN maintains a long list of beaus, suitors, inamoratos, swains, and admirers in Skypeland who are seduced by her naughty pornographic dialogue, shocking carnal revelations and incredibly sexy photos. SN greets most semi-normal Skypeland males (which might be a bit of an oxymoron) by purring and cooing, "Hi baby. Oooh I missed you". SN tantalizes and titillates males with her recitations of her favorite sexual positions and lewd practices, including rimming and ultralong marathon sexual sessions that go on for hours and hours until all concerned are barely able to walk. These accounts have Skypeland males SN has invited to visit considering if they should get a Viagra or a Cialis prescription filled first.
AM is a unique lady from Maine. AM is very interested in boning, getting a put-in, porking, rolling in the hay, balling, knocking boots, doing the mattress mambo, screwing, getting some beef in her taco, humping, greasing a rod, stuffing her muffin, playing hide the salami, banging, waxing the pole, getting mounted, boinking, schtupping, bumping uglies, getting a hot poke, and so on, and makes no secret of it. AM has twice travelled to Morocco to engage in wanton licentious activities which she was glad to tell everyone about (I documented this in the blog article entitled "Four days at Mohammed International").
The shrill shrew J might at first glance seem to be a "paragon of propriety", completely virtuous and chaste and above reproach. That is certainly what she wants everyone else to believe. However, all is not necessarily what it appears. For example, although J has chastised other males for making advances, J purred and cooed when Mystery Man A told a Skypeland roomful that "J has really big tits. I have seen them, isn't that right J?" J did not object at all, and even flirted back. Maybe J is not quite as reserved, unsullied, wholesome and incorruptible as she wants people to think.
The lovely K from Austria also seems very sensible, untarnished and principled. K is approaching middle age, and is always very composed, restrained and rational. However, after some prodding, K revealed that she "caught" her husband at the beach. When he saw her in a bathing suit, he was hooked for good. And that was that. We all know what that means.
C from Sweden has one of the sweetest voices in Skypeland, and a beautiful accent. Reports from those who have seen C on webcam are that C is breathtakingly attractive; absolutely strikingly gorgeous. C is very careful to guard her privacy and presents a very proper image. However, C has complained to me that I make her sound excessively stiff, starchy, dour, dowdy and frumpy in this blog. I am sure that C has normal instincts, but is perhaps just more circumspect and prudent than many others. And although I have no direct reason to believe anything different, it appears that even the most ostensibly prudish of Skypeland females has a healthy affinity for carnal pleasures and she was even insulted at the slightest hint that she did not.
Clearly from the evidence revealed in Skypeland conversations, women have plenty of lascivious interests, no matter what the dictates of assorted social norms suggest. I remember when I was growing up being given advice by a wise old gentleman who told me, "All women are interested in sex. After all, their mothers did it..."
Addendum
* When I hear the phrase "sports down under", I think of the Australian spiny anteater, the echidna, which has a penis with four heads (although only two are fully developed). [6] [7] Some claim that while one penis is in use, the other rests for the next use. This kind of equipment might come in handy if you had to go visit SN from Missouri; it would be like getting a second wind.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Go out with a bang
In Skypeland people often feel comfortable in revealing opinions which they might not in other circumstances. B, one of the more strident Holocaust deniers in Skypeland, visited a Skypeland forum to offer a few comments about 88 year old James von Brunn, white supremacist and accused Holocaust Museum gunman.
B claimed that von Brunn took rational and appropriate action; anyone who is older and at the end of his life should try to kill as many Jews as possible, to take as many with them as they can before they die. When I expressed some dismay at these comments, I was attacked and threatened and insulted repeatedly. B said that the news media was completely out of line to publicize this event, since "only a nigger was killed", so who cares.
B then complained bitterly that such museums would even exist in the US, since the Holocaust had taken place in Europe. Of course, judging by B's attitude, he would be glad to have an American version of the Holocaust on American soil, if he could arrange it.
B was also outraged that any government funding went towards this kind of museum. I was not aware that there was any government funding for the United States Holocaust Museum in Washington DC, but when I checked I found out that the museum does receive federal funding, and is the result of a private-public partnership.
As disturbing as this event was, it had some value in exposing some of these attitudes which are just below the surface in many communities.
B claimed that von Brunn took rational and appropriate action; anyone who is older and at the end of his life should try to kill as many Jews as possible, to take as many with them as they can before they die. When I expressed some dismay at these comments, I was attacked and threatened and insulted repeatedly. B said that the news media was completely out of line to publicize this event, since "only a nigger was killed", so who cares.
B then complained bitterly that such museums would even exist in the US, since the Holocaust had taken place in Europe. Of course, judging by B's attitude, he would be glad to have an American version of the Holocaust on American soil, if he could arrange it.
B was also outraged that any government funding went towards this kind of museum. I was not aware that there was any government funding for the United States Holocaust Museum in Washington DC, but when I checked I found out that the museum does receive federal funding, and is the result of a private-public partnership.
As disturbing as this event was, it had some value in exposing some of these attitudes which are just below the surface in many communities.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What is a continent?
As much as I try to limit the amount of space in this blog devoted to certain individuals, there are some whose boundless stupidity never ceases to amaze. Today in Skypeland, Mucus the muck expert was holding forth on what a continent is.
Mucus claimed that there are only three continents on earth, that everyone agreed with this and that it was a simple matter of geography. One of these continents Mucus identified as "Australasia". At some points in the conversation Mucus tried to claim that South America and Africa were not separate continents because they were once joined and then separated because of plate tectonics. However, seemingly in contradiction to this, Mucus alleged that only geography was relevant in defining continents, not geology.
Mucus was smug and self-satisfied when he confidently declared that geology could not possibly have anything to do with continents, since geology was about rocks. He was positive that this argument was unassailable. However, the moderator S asked Mucus what continents were made of. Mucus did not know, and when S revealed that continents were made of rock, Mucus was taken aback and did not know what to say. Mucus responded with a viscious string of insults and invective, threatening to attack S and anyone listening.
Mucus was angry, and confused, and sputtering. Mucus threatened to physically beat anyone who disagreed with him. He was upset and he insulted everyone listening. I am not really sure why he was unhappy, or why this issue was so important to him.
Of course, the definition of the term "continent" is somewhat arbitrary. For example, some designate Europe and Asia as separate continents and some do not. What makes this episode notable is that Mucus became so incensed when anyone disagreed with him or challenged him on anything. He refused to explain himself when questioned, and just slung insults around instead.
To doublecheck, I looked up the term "Australasia" and found out that it refers to a region "south of Asia". It was coined in 1756 by the French writer Charles de Brosses. de Brosses defined it as part of Oceania, including Australia, New Guinea and neighboring islands, but excluding Micronesia, Polynesia and Antarctica. It is definitely not a reference to a supercontinent of some sort, the way "The Americas" might be, or "Afro-Eurasia".
Anyway, there is no way to settle an argument with Mucus when he is foaming at the mouth. He is always positive that he is correct, and that is that. And Mucus will rant and rave like a lunatic and demand that his views be respected as much as anyone else's, or maybe even more than anyone else's. What might be a chance for people to exchange views and possibly learn things turns into an opportunity for Mucus to put his endless supply of stupidity on display for all, and then to aggressively defend it.
I have heard this far too often previously. Nothing new really. And so I left.
Mucus claimed that there are only three continents on earth, that everyone agreed with this and that it was a simple matter of geography. One of these continents Mucus identified as "Australasia". At some points in the conversation Mucus tried to claim that South America and Africa were not separate continents because they were once joined and then separated because of plate tectonics. However, seemingly in contradiction to this, Mucus alleged that only geography was relevant in defining continents, not geology.
Mucus was smug and self-satisfied when he confidently declared that geology could not possibly have anything to do with continents, since geology was about rocks. He was positive that this argument was unassailable. However, the moderator S asked Mucus what continents were made of. Mucus did not know, and when S revealed that continents were made of rock, Mucus was taken aback and did not know what to say. Mucus responded with a viscious string of insults and invective, threatening to attack S and anyone listening.
Mucus was angry, and confused, and sputtering. Mucus threatened to physically beat anyone who disagreed with him. He was upset and he insulted everyone listening. I am not really sure why he was unhappy, or why this issue was so important to him.
Of course, the definition of the term "continent" is somewhat arbitrary. For example, some designate Europe and Asia as separate continents and some do not. What makes this episode notable is that Mucus became so incensed when anyone disagreed with him or challenged him on anything. He refused to explain himself when questioned, and just slung insults around instead.
To doublecheck, I looked up the term "Australasia" and found out that it refers to a region "south of Asia". It was coined in 1756 by the French writer Charles de Brosses. de Brosses defined it as part of Oceania, including Australia, New Guinea and neighboring islands, but excluding Micronesia, Polynesia and Antarctica. It is definitely not a reference to a supercontinent of some sort, the way "The Americas" might be, or "Afro-Eurasia".
Anyway, there is no way to settle an argument with Mucus when he is foaming at the mouth. He is always positive that he is correct, and that is that. And Mucus will rant and rave like a lunatic and demand that his views be respected as much as anyone else's, or maybe even more than anyone else's. What might be a chance for people to exchange views and possibly learn things turns into an opportunity for Mucus to put his endless supply of stupidity on display for all, and then to aggressively defend it.
I have heard this far too often previously. Nothing new really. And so I left.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Best or worst
Appearances are a common topic of conversation in Skypeland. Some Skypeland stalwarts regularly lead others on late night field trips to justin.tv to ogle young ladies and then compare notes about which look best and which of the "web cam queens" are total dogs. Likewise, Skypeland females get into detailed discussions about who is a "hottie", and who is a "nottie" (everyone agrees on who the "naughties" are).
Recently, the results of a survey of 1500 UK men about the best and worst celebrity bodies were excitedly announced in numerous media outlets. Kelly Brook, a cuvaceous English model and television personality, was voted as having the best body. Megan Fox (American model and actress who burst into the public eye in the Transformer's movie) came in second, Angelina Jolie (a relative old bag at 34, compared to the others ranked by the survey) took third place, followed by Cheryl Cole (A limey singer who was voted sexiest celebrity in FHM magazine's poll) and Katy Perry (the "I kissed a girl last night" singer), who was awarded fifth position.
The survey also produced a ranking of "best breasts" and again Brook's bust was rated as best, followed by Holly Willoughby (a UK television presenter who has mainly been involved with children's shows, and who had a boob fall out of her top during a live broadcast) , Cheryl Cole and Jessica Simpson (with her rapid weight changes, I wonder if the voters were not con
fused about the size of her mammaries?).
All standard stuff. All pretty boring really, since there seem to be many such surveys. A recent survey of 3000 men on sportingfix.com rated Cheryl Cole as "Ultimate fantasy cheerleader" (whatever that is), followed by Kelly Brook, Kylie Minogue and Holly Willoughby (just the same names more or less, in slightly permuted order; this is like musical chairs).
However, the same survey of 1500 British lads also voted Victoria Beckham as having the worst body. What on earth? Luscious, gorgeous, toned, curvy (even if possibly artificially enhanced curves), sweet Posh
Spice. Worst body? I can think of quite a few more candidates for worst celebrity body. For example, have we all forgotten Amy Winehouse? What about my dear friend Amy Winehouse, that bathing beauty?
However, the Brits seem to be obsessed with how hideous they think Victoria Beckham is. In November, the UK's Sun published a survey that rated Beckham's legs as the worst celebrity gams. London plastic surgeon Patrick Mallucci announced in September 2007 that Victoria Beckham's breasts were found to be the worst in a study (a view shared by other plastic surgeons, apparently). The British press gleefully reported that Victoria Beckham was rated as worst dressed on Mr. Blackwell's last Worst Dressed List in January 2008 (the last such list since Richard Blackwell kicked the bucket
in October of 2008).
What makes this sort of funny is that a poll of more than 5000 British women disagrees, having rated Beckham's body as second best in 2007, according to New Woman magazine (Liz Hurley took the "best body" honors, popstar Myleene Klass came in third, and Kelly Brook was fourth). British women want to have a body like Beckham's according to New Woman editor Helen Johnston. In 2008, Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie covers of fashion magazines sold more than any other models, so women obviously find her attractive and appealing. The British magazine Celebrity Bodies, aimed at young women 25 to 35, rated Beckham's limbs as the ideal legs in 1998 (did they get much worse in ten years?).
In 2009, Celebrity Bodies, after a survey of over 5000 people, announced that old bat Jennifer Lopez has the best celebrity female body at the age of 40 (Was it her huge butt that earned her the top spot? What about Kim Kardashian then? Did a lot of black males vote in this poll?), and the similarly ancient Catherine Zeta Jones was second best. Interestingly, David Beckham was rated by Celebrity Bodies as having the best male celebrity body, and his wife barely made 50th place. Betraying the UK origins of the poll, 6 of the 10 best male celebrity bodies were British, and 5 of the 10 best female celebrity bodies were from the UK. No one outside the UK has a good body, huh?
The UK papers have tried to describe these survey results as a switch in public attitudes, from admiring those with thin figures to those with more curvy figures. I don't think they have analyzed the situation accurately, however.
So what can we learn from all this?
(1) The UK press is preoccupied with Victoria Beckham and her body (Why? Who the hell is this has-been anyway? The Spice Girls broke up 9 years ago you know).
(2) Many British women want to look like Victoria Beckham.
(3) Many British men find Victoria Beckham repulsive.
There are lots more examples of the fixation of the British press on Victoria Beckham:
*It was big news in the UK when Victoria Beckham wore the same outfit twice inside of two weeks. Also, Beckham committed the unforgivable sin of wearing the same hat four times in public, albeit in different colors (oh heaven forfend!).
*The British Press were beside themselves with horror when Victoria Beckham's nipples showed through her shirt (I could imagine this being a news story on a blog, but in the mainstream press? This is at all relevant?).
*Numerous articles in the British media whenever Posh Spice is found to have a zit (I kid you not; a pimple is important news? What on earth?). Victoria is also reported to use bird poop to treat her acne (haven't seen that treatment in stores, or even advertised on late night television, I have to admit).
This sort of stupidity repeats itself over and over in the British press. In spite of all the complaints about US media (which are not completely undeserved), the British media sets new lows constantly obsessing about minutae and empherema.
I happened across the similarly ridiculous case of former Big Brother contestant Chantelle Houghton (a perfect example of someone who is famous for being famous), and the tracking of Houton's career in the British press. Houghton married a popstar she met on the Big Brother show and was divorced about a year later. [1] After her divorce, she had breast implants, changing from a 32B to a 32E at the end of 1997 (she had wanted DD cups, but ended up with E cups; poor thing). [2] Chantelle posed for pictures in which she tried to copy busty British model, media personality and singer Jordan/Katie Price, and the British press were ecstatic about the comparison. [3][4] However, by mid-April 2009, the Pommy media was reporting that Houghton "hated her big boobs", that they were sore and that she just wanted to hide them (in spite of posing for literally thousands of pictures flaunting her bustline). At the end of April 2009, Houghton announced that she was ill, and she feared she had swine flu, and the press covered this (Every fever and every sniffle reported? I guess like reporting zits). The newspapers wrote fawning articles when Chantelle rented a pink limousine. By early June 2009, articles were appearing announcing that Houghton had gained 21 pounds, and was currently 5'7" and 133 pounds and was now happy with her womanly curves except that maybe she would prefer D cups (why do we even care?).
This sort of meaningless story is published by the British press over and over, day in and day out, year in and year out. As bad as the American media is, I think it has a long ways to go to compete with the stupidity the Limeys dish out. Americans consign this sort of crap to supermarket tabloids like National Enquirer, The Globe and Weekly World News, where it shares space with revelations like "Dick Cheney is a Robot", "Elvis is a alive and running for the US Presidency", "Alien Bible Found; They Worship Oprah", "Abraham Lincoln was a Woman", and "Sarah Palin Shoots Bigfoot". However, these tabloids are not taken seriously at all in the US. In contrast, the Pommys seem to revel in this sort of garbage, and it gets picked up and repeated endlessly. I think the closest I have seen a US publication come to the low level set by the Brits are a few stories about stars with cellulite that appear every year, but again these are not in the mainstream media at all in the US. I definitely do not think that a zit or two would be reported in the mainstream US press (especially not the zit of someone that used to be a pop singer well over a decade ago).
This sort of thing really makes one wonder about the UK. What happened to this country that ruled the world for centuries, was the center of culture and learning, and gave rise to Adam Smith, Robert Hooke, Francis Bacon, David Hume, John Locke, Bertrand Russell, Christopher Wren, Jonathon Swift and Isaac Newton, and countless other great thinkers? Are Mucus and Mrs. B and Mr Wee Wee Hands and the bathroom contractor R the best that Britain has to offer?
Sadly, if one is to try to judge from Skypeland, it seems like it. Maybe Britain exported all their talent, leaving just detritus behind. Sort of like the soap scum after you have drained the bathtub.
Recently, the results of a survey of 1500 UK men about the best and worst celebrity bodies were excitedly announced in numerous media outlets. Kelly Brook, a cuvaceous English model and television personality, was voted as having the best body. Megan Fox (American model and actress who burst into the public eye in the Transformer's movie) came in second, Angelina Jolie (a relative old bag at 34, compared to the others ranked by the survey) took third place, followed by Cheryl Cole (A limey singer who was voted sexiest celebrity in FHM magazine's poll) and Katy Perry (the "I kissed a girl last night" singer), who was awarded fifth position.
The survey also produced a ranking of "best breasts" and again Brook's bust was rated as best, followed by Holly Willoughby (a UK television presenter who has mainly been involved with children's shows, and who had a boob fall out of her top during a live broadcast) , Cheryl Cole and Jessica Simpson (with her rapid weight changes, I wonder if the voters were not con
fused about the size of her mammaries?).All standard stuff. All pretty boring really, since there seem to be many such surveys. A recent survey of 3000 men on sportingfix.com rated Cheryl Cole as "Ultimate fantasy cheerleader" (whatever that is), followed by Kelly Brook, Kylie Minogue and Holly Willoughby (just the same names more or less, in slightly permuted order; this is like musical chairs).
However, the same survey of 1500 British lads also voted Victoria Beckham as having the worst body. What on earth? Luscious, gorgeous, toned, curvy (even if possibly artificially enhanced curves), sweet Posh
Spice. Worst body? I can think of quite a few more candidates for worst celebrity body. For example, have we all forgotten Amy Winehouse? What about my dear friend Amy Winehouse, that bathing beauty?However, the Brits seem to be obsessed with how hideous they think Victoria Beckham is. In November, the UK's Sun published a survey that rated Beckham's legs as the worst celebrity gams. London plastic surgeon Patrick Mallucci announced in September 2007 that Victoria Beckham's breasts were found to be the worst in a study (a view shared by other plastic surgeons, apparently). The British press gleefully reported that Victoria Beckham was rated as worst dressed on Mr. Blackwell's last Worst Dressed List in January 2008 (the last such list since Richard Blackwell kicked the bucket
in October of 2008).What makes this sort of funny is that a poll of more than 5000 British women disagrees, having rated Beckham's body as second best in 2007, according to New Woman magazine (Liz Hurley took the "best body" honors, popstar Myleene Klass came in third, and Kelly Brook was fourth). British women want to have a body like Beckham's according to New Woman editor Helen Johnston. In 2008, Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie covers of fashion magazines sold more than any other models, so women obviously find her attractive and appealing. The British magazine Celebrity Bodies, aimed at young women 25 to 35, rated Beckham's limbs as the ideal legs in 1998 (did they get much worse in ten years?).
In 2009, Celebrity Bodies, after a survey of over 5000 people, announced that old bat Jennifer Lopez has the best celebrity female body at the age of 40 (Was it her huge butt that earned her the top spot? What about Kim Kardashian then? Did a lot of black males vote in this poll?), and the similarly ancient Catherine Zeta Jones was second best. Interestingly, David Beckham was rated by Celebrity Bodies as having the best male celebrity body, and his wife barely made 50th place. Betraying the UK origins of the poll, 6 of the 10 best male celebrity bodies were British, and 5 of the 10 best female celebrity bodies were from the UK. No one outside the UK has a good body, huh?
The UK papers have tried to describe these survey results as a switch in public attitudes, from admiring those with thin figures to those with more curvy figures. I don't think they have analyzed the situation accurately, however.
So what can we learn from all this?
(1) The UK press is preoccupied with Victoria Beckham and her body (Why? Who the hell is this has-been anyway? The Spice Girls broke up 9 years ago you know).
(2) Many British women want to look like Victoria Beckham.
(3) Many British men find Victoria Beckham repulsive.
There are lots more examples of the fixation of the British press on Victoria Beckham:
*It was big news in the UK when Victoria Beckham wore the same outfit twice inside of two weeks. Also, Beckham committed the unforgivable sin of wearing the same hat four times in public, albeit in different colors (oh heaven forfend!).
*The British Press were beside themselves with horror when Victoria Beckham's nipples showed through her shirt (I could imagine this being a news story on a blog, but in the mainstream press? This is at all relevant?).
*Numerous articles in the British media whenever Posh Spice is found to have a zit (I kid you not; a pimple is important news? What on earth?). Victoria is also reported to use bird poop to treat her acne (haven't seen that treatment in stores, or even advertised on late night television, I have to admit).
This sort of stupidity repeats itself over and over in the British press. In spite of all the complaints about US media (which are not completely undeserved), the British media sets new lows constantly obsessing about minutae and empherema.
I happened across the similarly ridiculous case of former Big Brother contestant Chantelle Houghton (a perfect example of someone who is famous for being famous), and the tracking of Houton's career in the British press. Houghton married a popstar she met on the Big Brother show and was divorced about a year later. [1] After her divorce, she had breast implants, changing from a 32B to a 32E at the end of 1997 (she had wanted DD cups, but ended up with E cups; poor thing). [2] Chantelle posed for pictures in which she tried to copy busty British model, media personality and singer Jordan/Katie Price, and the British press were ecstatic about the comparison. [3][4] However, by mid-April 2009, the Pommy media was reporting that Houghton "hated her big boobs", that they were sore and that she just wanted to hide them (in spite of posing for literally thousands of pictures flaunting her bustline). At the end of April 2009, Houghton announced that she was ill, and she feared she had swine flu, and the press covered this (Every fever and every sniffle reported? I guess like reporting zits). The newspapers wrote fawning articles when Chantelle rented a pink limousine. By early June 2009, articles were appearing announcing that Houghton had gained 21 pounds, and was currently 5'7" and 133 pounds and was now happy with her womanly curves except that maybe she would prefer D cups (why do we even care?).
This sort of meaningless story is published by the British press over and over, day in and day out, year in and year out. As bad as the American media is, I think it has a long ways to go to compete with the stupidity the Limeys dish out. Americans consign this sort of crap to supermarket tabloids like National Enquirer, The Globe and Weekly World News, where it shares space with revelations like "Dick Cheney is a Robot", "Elvis is a alive and running for the US Presidency", "Alien Bible Found; They Worship Oprah", "Abraham Lincoln was a Woman", and "Sarah Palin Shoots Bigfoot". However, these tabloids are not taken seriously at all in the US. In contrast, the Pommys seem to revel in this sort of garbage, and it gets picked up and repeated endlessly. I think the closest I have seen a US publication come to the low level set by the Brits are a few stories about stars with cellulite that appear every year, but again these are not in the mainstream media at all in the US. I definitely do not think that a zit or two would be reported in the mainstream US press (especially not the zit of someone that used to be a pop singer well over a decade ago).
This sort of thing really makes one wonder about the UK. What happened to this country that ruled the world for centuries, was the center of culture and learning, and gave rise to Adam Smith, Robert Hooke, Francis Bacon, David Hume, John Locke, Bertrand Russell, Christopher Wren, Jonathon Swift and Isaac Newton, and countless other great thinkers? Are Mucus and Mrs. B and Mr Wee Wee Hands and the bathroom contractor R the best that Britain has to offer?
Sadly, if one is to try to judge from Skypeland, it seems like it. Maybe Britain exported all their talent, leaving just detritus behind. Sort of like the soap scum after you have drained the bathtub.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
What are you eating?
Food is a frequent topic of conversation in Skypeland. Of course, all people everywhere eat, and people in different regions consume a wide variety of provender. Some countries are renowned for their fine cuisine, but it might be more accurate to say that some countries are not so much famous for their national dishes, as infamous. Skypeland offers the chance to interact with many from other places and learn about dining around the world.
A lot of traditional comestibles can be a little bizarre and even repulsive.
For example, at one time Australian Aborigines included witchitty grubs, large white wood-eating larvae, in their diets. However, I have yet to find a single Aussie, including "fair dinkum" (i.e., authentic) "Abos", that will admit to ever having eaten one. Australians do like to snack on musk sticks, which are pink candies that smell and taste like musk perfume (i.e., the secretions of the anal glands of some animal). Few nonAustralians seem to like these sorts of confections, however.
The durian is a particularly stinky fruit grown in Indonesia and surrounding areas. Durians reek so much that it is illegal in some jurisdictions to ingest them in many public areas, like parks and subways and hotel rooms. However, durians have a nice fresh flavor, in spite of their odor.
In Norway one can find smalahove, a barbecued sheep's head customarily consumed at Christmas and accompanied with mashed rutabaga. [1] Scandinavia is also the home of lutefisk, which is a sort of jellied whitefish that is partly rotten and prepared with lye. Rakfisk is an even more rancid Norwegian dish. Another variation on this theme is surströmming from Sweden, which is decaying herring packed in salt water. After the fish ferments for a few months, it is packed in tins where it continues to decompose and this causes the tins to bulge. Surströmming is very fragrant, which is why it is commonly eaten outdoors. However, I have not encountered any Scandinavians who will confess to consuming (let alone enjoying) smalahove, lutefisk, rakfisk or surströmming.
Germany has a wide variety of sausages and meat pastes and weird spreadable meatlike substances. A Skypeland regular recently returned from a medical trip to Germany with ugly reports of the atrocious meat products and limp anemic vegetables there. Although she liked the Teutonic coffee and desserts, she lost quite a few pounds in Germany. Some think this weight loss was because of her surgery; I suspect that it might have been caused by German cooking.
The US also has a number of disgusting foods, like jello/gelatin (made from boiled pulverized cow hooves), hot dogs (packaged ground-up anonymous meat "parts", which have an ersatz but "obviously healthy" reddish chromatic enhancement) and marshmallows (basically the same stuff as jello). However, American alimentary scientists are world leaders in creating novel synthetic but good tasting "frankenfoods" using radiation, genetic engineering, chemical processing, and a wide assortment of additives, many of which are not found in the natural world. For example, in ongoing attempts to avoid the Value Added Tax in the UK, the US manufacturer of Pringles brand potato snacks recently revealed that Pringles are composed of only 42 percent potato. Americans know much of their esculent intake is not as organic as it could be, but US nutrition engineers add carefully designed fake flavors, stabilizers, emulsifiers, propellants, humectants, precipitants, solvents, catalysts, hydrates, lixiviates, sequestrants, seasonings, fixatives, preservatives, thickeners, colorants and manufactured sugar substitutes to Yankee vittles. This makes US fare so attractive, tempting, mouthwatering and downright delectable that immigrants to the 50 states from all over the world soon find they are struggling with their weight, similar to many native-born Americans.
One region that is reputed to have some of the worst tucker in the world is the UK. [2] However, instead of acknowledging that their food is either bland and tasteless, or vile and repulsive, many Brits in Skypeland seem to champion the British table with a fierce pride, almost approaching indignant defensiveness and even fury (this is very different from what is seen in surveys; only 5 percent of Britons want to learn how to prepare their national dishes, which are the least popular in Europe, garnering only a 3% popularity rating, compared to Italian food at 60%).
Most foreigners who visit the British Isles return with stories about how horrendous the chow is there. One notable example that serves to illustrate the situation is the case of beef in the UK. Although the limeys often boast about the quality of British cow cuts (and some even brag about being "beef eaters"), visitors are almost always disappointed to discover that British bovine briskets and sirloin are dry and stringy and tough. In my experience, British beef has essentially the same texture and taste as shoe leather.
To add injury to these insults, the UK cattle industry was devastated by Mad Cow Disease a few years ago. It is estimated that over 500,000 British domesticated bos primigenius taurus were infected with bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE), and about 80% of these sickly critters were consumed in the UK. This can be compared to one or two cows diagnosed with BSE in other countries. There are many fewer reported instances of BSE-contaminated meat being eaten anywhere outside the UK. Is this because the British monitor their food more carefully, so they were able to document the problem better than other countries, or because the Pommys eat more disgusting cuts of meat, from sicker cows, without a second thought? The American Red Cross will not even accept blood donations from people who spent significant amounts of time in the UK when BSE was rampant in the British cattle population. [3]
In addition, the names of British foods might generate confusion or create negative impressions. Food names can be important and even contribute to the popularity of a dish. For example, some foreign companies can run into trouble trying to make sales in English-speaking areas if they choose poor brand names.[4]
Just imagine the difficulties that one might encounter trying to market products like Pee Cola, Jussipussi bread or Shitto peppers in the US or the UK.
However, the British do not have the excuse of being nonnative speakers of English (although it might seem like it sometimes, particularly if one listens to someone from Yorkshire). In spite of this, Brits often have very unusual and even unappealing names for their foods. These linguistic difficulties, together with a collection of some of the least palatable vittles on the planet, easily explain why British cuisine has such a poor image worldwide.
Here are some specific examples of what makes outsiders wonder about British grub:
*One of the staples on the British national menu is "bangers and mash", a nasty, greasy yet bland meal of mashed potatoes and sausages.
*A variation of "bangers and mash" is "toad in the hole"; soggy cooked vegetables and sausages surrounded by pastry. I hate to say this, but the name of this dish reminds me of "turtling".
*Haggis is a notorious Scottish food, but there are versions of this dish in other places in the British Isles. Haggis consists of a sheep's heart, liver and lungs, boiled in a sheep's stomach for 3 hours. I will pass, thanks.
*Bubble and squeak is not quite as stomach-turning as haggis, but this meal is just warmed up, dried up vegetables left over from a Sunday dinner, typically served with cold meat. Yum.
*Kippers is a traditional British breakfast and a vile herring dish, complete with bones, scales and fish eyes. Perhaps not so good to eat if you are hungover, when you have to deal with food that is looking back at you.
*England is home to Stinking Bishop Cheese. This cheese is supposedly very popular because of its aroma, which is said to be reminiscent of a combination of ripe unwashed socks and wet towels. Stinking Bishop Cheese can have a nice grey rind as well. Don't you want to try it?
*"Spotted dick" is something else that can be found in the UK. No, spotted dick is not some sort of "social disease", or a symptom of a "Moby Dick" infection. A spotted dick is a tube of steamed raw beef or mutton fat ("suet") in which dried fruit is embedded. Mmm, mmm, sounds good. But doesn't it seem like something kids are advised to hang outside from tree branches as feed for birds in the winter?
*A friend who went to the British Isles told me about a delicacy called a "Scottish Wood Cock" (I wonder if after a bad case of "spotted dick", it fell off and had to be replaced with a prosthesis?).
*The British eat a food called "faggots", which are orbs of meat formed of chewed up pig hearts, livers, intestines and other undesirable parts (as an aside I will note that meatballs are sometimes called collops in the UK). However, as horrible as faggots sound, many Brits find nothing strange about eating a food that bears the same name as the UK slang term for a cigarette, or a common informal slur for a male who enjoys "buggery and blow jobs" with a few of the lads. Personally, I think it sounds a bit questionable to announce, "I like to eat faggots", as Mrs. B proudly proclaimed the other day. Such a statement certainly would raise eyebrows in the US.
*The British eat jellied eels and something called "mushy peas". How appetizing.
*As if Spam were not vile enough on its own, the British were so excited at the introduction of Spam to their island that they created a special dish called "Spam fritters", which is deep-fried Spam. Ick. It can still be found in those British temples to deep frying, fish and chip shops.
*Black bun is a Scottish cake with a nice filling made from fruit rinds. Wow, how delicious.
*Sometimes one can get some glimpse of British culinary culture in the international section of a US supermarket. I was surprised to come across a package of something from the UK called "cock flavored soup". I have no idea what that might taste like, but perhaps this is some more evidence of the English fascination with homosexual behavior?
*Stuffing for meat or fish is called "forcemeat" by the Brits. The only way to get most people to eat British meat would be to force it on them, I think.
*The Brits use many other odd names for food. Gammon is a British name for ham, and groundnuts are peanuts to limeys. Meats like liver, liver, tripe, heart and kidneys are called "offal", although "awful" might be a better spelling in my opinion. These meats are also called "pluck" to confuse matters further. Tunny is tuna, aubergine is eggplant, bilberry is blueberry, sack is sherry (maybe for the bag they wrap the bottle in, when they are out on a Winehouse rampage?)
and pips are seeds. This makes me wonder what on earth the proper British expression "pip, pip and all that" means. And the Chinese are supposed to be inscrutable? What about the Brits?
*Another British favorite is the so-called "head cheese". However, head cheese is not cheese at all, but instead is slices of calf or pig head, sometimes including meat from the animal's feet, tongue and heart, served cold and coated with aspic (that is, jellied animal head meat). Nice...
*Not only do the British drink their beer warm, but they eat the foul remnants of the brewing process. Marmite is spread on toast and eaten, in spite of having a taste that can make the average person gag.
*Black pudding is cooked thickened pig's blood. Ugh.
*Laverbread is a Welsh bread made from seaweed.
*Hotchpotch is a Scottish soup made by boiling vegetables together with some bones to leech out some of the bone marrow. Confusing matters further, a marrow in the UK is a kind of squash that looks like a monster-sized zucchini. However, the Pommys call a zucchini a "courgette" (sounds like what you might call a female Corgi dog).
*Pork shoulder is called "hand of pork" in the UK. How on earth can anyone refer to a pig's hands? Maybe someone was drinking too much of that warm beer.
*In the US, beer is consumed chilled, particularly when the weather is hot. So is lemonade, and the Brits mix the two to create to create a "shandygaff" or "shandy". I am not sure I would like to drink a nice warm shandy to quench my thirst.
*A "baby's head", or "babby's yead", is one of the endless variety of mystery meat pies that the British seem to consume. And as if the name were not repulsive enough, a baby's head is a pie filled with diced pig or lamb kidneys (sometimes together with steak, or what passes for steak in the UK).
The Brits seem to have an unlimited number of weird names for their food. Here are a few more:
*Liver and lights is a dish made from liver and lungs. Who eats lungs? I guess even the Brits want to disguise the nature of this food with a vague name.
*Cornish pasties are meat turnovers, not something worn by a stripper to hide her nipples.
*The English don't eat English muffins, but they do eat crumpets.
*A chump chop is a type of lamb meat. It sounds like an undesirable cut of meat, frankly.
*A coley is a black codfish. Naming a fish dish after a lump of smelly inedible hard decomposed plant material is just what might expect from the British. One can only imagine what meal of coley might taste like.
*A garibaldi is a large cookie, full of currents. I think the name of this treat is a reference to the Italian patriot, not a comment about a candidate for minoxidil. Apparently, Giuseppe Garibaldi sat on an Ecces Cake during a visit to Tynemouth, England in 1854, and thereby invented this biscuit.
*A ginger nut is not a type of nut (that is, a desiccated anhydrous indehiscent ripened ovule-bearing nether portion of the pistil of a gymnosperm or angiosperm, well-known photosynthetic eukaryotic organisms) at all, but a ginger snap.
*Corn is the term used for any type of grain in the UK, but maize is the British name for corn.
*Bully beef, alternately called salt beef in the UK, is corned beef. In the US, a bully beef would be whining by someone who picks on others, and a salt beef is an action taken to add sodium chloride to cooked cattle flesh or maybe a complaint about the sodium content of some food. Obviously, there are lots of chances for confusion and misunderstanding.
*In the UK, floss is not necessarily something you use to clean your teeth, but can describe cotton candy.
*A jacket potato is a baked potato. Does that mean that a peeled potato is a jacket off potato?
*Perry is pear cider, not the first name of a 50's crooner.
*Polony in the UK is bologna. Is this an attempt at rhyming slang?
*A ring doughnut in the British Isles is a doughnut, but a doughnut in the UK is a jelly doughnut.
*Sherbet is not only a frozen dessert in the UK, but a type of powdered candy.
*Squash is not a vegetable in the Britain, but a juice drink.
*A dessert in the UK is typically called "pudding", even if the dessert is not literally a pudding (just like tea in the UK often refers to a meal, not necessarily accompanied by tea). Obviously, some puddings are not dessert at all, like the previously mentioned black pudding (a kind of blood sausage), and hog's pudding, which is a sausage from Cornwall that is similar to haggis (here is a recipe from a British newspaper for "hog's pudding and sweatbreads on toast". Ooh, how inviting!).
*A swede is a yellow turnip, or rutabaga. Turnips are called neeps in Scotland.
*British Demarara sugar is turbinado sugar, named for the Demarara colony in Guyana, paying tribute to the UK history of involvement with slavery.
*A tart is not only a slag (a British term meaning "slut"), and a word that describes a sort of unpleasant sharp or sour taste, but a type of pie in the UK. This produces endless opportunities for jokes and puns in what passes for comedy in the UK. "Tart jokes" are ubiquitous in British humor, as can be seen by viewing Benny Hill reruns.
*Mayonnaise sounds distinctly French, and is sometimes said to be named for the town of Mahón. However, a little investigation shows that the origin of mayonnaise is not clear at all, and one of the theories about the invention of mayonnaise suggests that the British contributed to the creation of it. [5] This is just what you might expect for one of the blandest and most nasty condiments.
After all, who else would put something that looks like pus on their sandwiches and french fries? The only thing that is more unpleasant than the Pommys putting mayonnaise on french fries is the British habit of dribbling gravy on their "chips". I won't even mention what that looks like.
One of the complaints about British food is that it is often bland. This is mostly correct, but it is not completely accurate. An exception is the well-known Worcestershire sauce, which is popular the world over. However, most brands of Worcestershire sauce are flavored by something called 'asafetida' (sound it out), also known as "devil's dung" because of its foul stench, and is therefore usually unlisted on food labels.
In addition, Worcestershire sauce often contains "xanthan gum", made from the microbe xanthomonas campestris, a plant pathogen. Plants infected by xanthomonas campestris have disgusting slimy black spots on their leaves.
There are some special dishes associated with holidays, celebrations and special occasions in the UK. For example, parkin (a sort of oatmeal bread) is consumed on Guy Fawkes Day in Yorkshire. Parkin is made with ginger and molasses, and is another monument to Britain's proud history in maintaining slavery in the Americas, since both ginger and molasses were produced by slave labor in Jamaica and then imported to the UK. Guy Fawkes Day commemorates a great UK historical event, when Roman Catholic Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the Parliament buildings because of religious inequities in the UK (one of the conditions that fueled UK emigration).
Guy Fawkes celebrations are a little peculiar; it would be like the US having an Osama Bin Laden day on September 11. However, Brits engage in all kinds of revelry on Guy Fawkes Day, including setting off firecrackers that they have "shoved up the bums" of neighborhood cats. [6] What great fun! And of course, this tradition gives a bit more evidence of the obsession most Brits seem to have with butt holes.
Many holidays in the UK are associated with a special dessert. For example, "hot cross buns" is not a nickname for a sexy angry guy with a nice backside, but a type of baked roll eaten at Easter.
A conventional British wedding cake is an iced fruitcake. Fruitcakes are often given as gifts at Christmas as well. Fruitcakes are so unpalatable that they are the one kind of cake that most Americans will not eat (and that is saying something). Fruitcakes are typically not consumed in the US, but "regifted" to someone else. People even joke about using fruitcakes as substitutes for cannonballs. [7] [8] [9] [10]
A special British Christmas dessert is the "Yule log", which is also what they call a tubular tree section they put on the fire. Naming a dessert after a large cylinder of wood is the sort of thing one might expect from the British, I guess, and I can imagine that many British Yule log desserts probably taste like a piece of wood as well.
In one college, some students in the dorms decided to have a "Yule log contest" over the December vacation break. They competed to see who could squeeze out the longest "Yule log" and they saved their efforts on old newspapers in a linen closet. Unfortunately for these students, after about a week a janitor opened the closet (which was in a somewhat pungent state by then) and the students were threatened with expulsion. The students decided to protest this action, staging a "shit in" to attempt to convince the University administration to let them stay in school.
On "Mothering Sunday" in Lancashire, the beer is not just served warm, but is even heated by shoving a red-hot poker into it
(I hope this does not get some of my female readers too worked up, although I guess there are a few gay readers who might like that idea as well). The mulled ale is eaten with "simnel cake", which looks like a vomit-colored dessert which is growing a bunch of tumors. [11] Gross. In this case, I think it might be more appropriate to classify the simnel cake as more of a "baked bad" than a "baked good".
After surveying some of these British foods, the behavior of a British man who was arrested for urinating all over some of his country's foods becomes a bit more understandable. [12] The only question is, could one even tell the difference afterward?
Can you imagine a good slogan for this drink? How about "Have a Pee", or "I love the taste of Pee"
Addendum: A naughty limerick
As noted above, these bizarre British food names give rise to all sorts of gags and jokes. I decided to try my hand at it, utilizing an extended form of that classic British poetic form, the limerick:
There was a young lady from Wumpet
who enjoyed hot tea with her crumpet
'long came a lad, exceedingly bad
Who asked her to blow on his trumpet
'Cept the lass was sort of a strumpet
and she liked to have boys hump it
she told him 'stead of givin' him head
to get down to work and to pump it
The young boy was too 'fraid to jump it
And then she pulled out her plump tit
She said I've a need, ain't gunna plead
Take me right now, like it or lump it.
Addendum II: BSE risks
I did a bit of investigation to see if I could find any evidence for the hysteria in some health food media about BSE risks in the US. [13] [14] [15] There have been only 3 verified variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease (vCJD) cases in the US up to June , 2008, while there have been almost 1400 verified cases of vCJD in the UK through the end of 2008. [16] The three in the US had lived in the UK or Saudi Arabia and presumably contracted the disease there. One mystery case of a woman in Massachusetts turned out to have taken supplements made of imported cow brain parts for years. [17] A very interesting paper from the CDC gives a careful assessment of the BSE disease, and the risks for BSE in the US. [18] Although the risks in the US are not vanishingly small, they are not quite the reason for alarm that the "health food Nazis" seem to think either, at least in my opinion.
However, it is quite interesting to me that there appear to be some similarities between BSE, vCJD and Alzheimer's Disease. [19] [20]
A lot of traditional comestibles can be a little bizarre and even repulsive.
For example, at one time Australian Aborigines included witchitty grubs, large white wood-eating larvae, in their diets. However, I have yet to find a single Aussie, including "fair dinkum" (i.e., authentic) "Abos", that will admit to ever having eaten one. Australians do like to snack on musk sticks, which are pink candies that smell and taste like musk perfume (i.e., the secretions of the anal glands of some animal). Few nonAustralians seem to like these sorts of confections, however.The durian is a particularly stinky fruit grown in Indonesia and surrounding areas. Durians reek so much that it is illegal in some jurisdictions to ingest them in many public areas, like parks and subways and hotel rooms. However, durians have a nice fresh flavor, in spite of their odor.
In Norway one can find smalahove, a barbecued sheep's head customarily consumed at Christmas and accompanied with mashed rutabaga. [1] Scandinavia is also the home of lutefisk, which is a sort of jellied whitefish that is partly rotten and prepared with lye. Rakfisk is an even more rancid Norwegian dish. Another variation on this theme is surströmming from Sweden, which is decaying herring packed in salt water. After the fish ferments for a few months, it is packed in tins where it continues to decompose and this causes the tins to bulge. Surströmming is very fragrant, which is why it is commonly eaten outdoors. However, I have not encountered any Scandinavians who will confess to consuming (let alone enjoying) smalahove, lutefisk, rakfisk or surströmming.
Germany has a wide variety of sausages and meat pastes and weird spreadable meatlike substances. A Skypeland regular recently returned from a medical trip to Germany with ugly reports of the atrocious meat products and limp anemic vegetables there. Although she liked the Teutonic coffee and desserts, she lost quite a few pounds in Germany. Some think this weight loss was because of her surgery; I suspect that it might have been caused by German cooking.
The US also has a number of disgusting foods, like jello/gelatin (made from boiled pulverized cow hooves), hot dogs (packaged ground-up anonymous meat "parts", which have an ersatz but "obviously healthy" reddish chromatic enhancement) and marshmallows (basically the same stuff as jello). However, American alimentary scientists are world leaders in creating novel synthetic but good tasting "frankenfoods" using radiation, genetic engineering, chemical processing, and a wide assortment of additives, many of which are not found in the natural world. For example, in ongoing attempts to avoid the Value Added Tax in the UK, the US manufacturer of Pringles brand potato snacks recently revealed that Pringles are composed of only 42 percent potato. Americans know much of their esculent intake is not as organic as it could be, but US nutrition engineers add carefully designed fake flavors, stabilizers, emulsifiers, propellants, humectants, precipitants, solvents, catalysts, hydrates, lixiviates, sequestrants, seasonings, fixatives, preservatives, thickeners, colorants and manufactured sugar substitutes to Yankee vittles. This makes US fare so attractive, tempting, mouthwatering and downright delectable that immigrants to the 50 states from all over the world soon find they are struggling with their weight, similar to many native-born Americans.
One region that is reputed to have some of the worst tucker in the world is the UK. [2] However, instead of acknowledging that their food is either bland and tasteless, or vile and repulsive, many Brits in Skypeland seem to champion the British table with a fierce pride, almost approaching indignant defensiveness and even fury (this is very different from what is seen in surveys; only 5 percent of Britons want to learn how to prepare their national dishes, which are the least popular in Europe, garnering only a 3% popularity rating, compared to Italian food at 60%).
Most foreigners who visit the British Isles return with stories about how horrendous the chow is there. One notable example that serves to illustrate the situation is the case of beef in the UK. Although the limeys often boast about the quality of British cow cuts (and some even brag about being "beef eaters"), visitors are almost always disappointed to discover that British bovine briskets and sirloin are dry and stringy and tough. In my experience, British beef has essentially the same texture and taste as shoe leather.
To add injury to these insults, the UK cattle industry was devastated by Mad Cow Disease a few years ago. It is estimated that over 500,000 British domesticated bos primigenius taurus were infected with bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE), and about 80% of these sickly critters were consumed in the UK. This can be compared to one or two cows diagnosed with BSE in other countries. There are many fewer reported instances of BSE-contaminated meat being eaten anywhere outside the UK. Is this because the British monitor their food more carefully, so they were able to document the problem better than other countries, or because the Pommys eat more disgusting cuts of meat, from sicker cows, without a second thought? The American Red Cross will not even accept blood donations from people who spent significant amounts of time in the UK when BSE was rampant in the British cattle population. [3]
In addition, the names of British foods might generate confusion or create negative impressions. Food names can be important and even contribute to the popularity of a dish. For example, some foreign companies can run into trouble trying to make sales in English-speaking areas if they choose poor brand names.[4]
Just imagine the difficulties that one might encounter trying to market products like Pee Cola, Jussipussi bread or Shitto peppers in the US or the UK.However, the British do not have the excuse of being nonnative speakers of English (although it might seem like it sometimes, particularly if one listens to someone from Yorkshire). In spite of this, Brits often have very unusual and even unappealing names for their foods. These linguistic difficulties, together with a collection of some of the least palatable vittles on the planet, easily explain why British cuisine has such a poor image worldwide.
Here are some specific examples of what makes outsiders wonder about British grub:
*One of the staples on the British national menu is "bangers and mash", a nasty, greasy yet bland meal of mashed potatoes and sausages.
*A variation of "bangers and mash" is "toad in the hole"; soggy cooked vegetables and sausages surrounded by pastry. I hate to say this, but the name of this dish reminds me of "turtling".
*Haggis is a notorious Scottish food, but there are versions of this dish in other places in the British Isles. Haggis consists of a sheep's heart, liver and lungs, boiled in a sheep's stomach for 3 hours. I will pass, thanks.
*Bubble and squeak is not quite as stomach-turning as haggis, but this meal is just warmed up, dried up vegetables left over from a Sunday dinner, typically served with cold meat. Yum.
*Kippers is a traditional British breakfast and a vile herring dish, complete with bones, scales and fish eyes. Perhaps not so good to eat if you are hungover, when you have to deal with food that is looking back at you.
*England is home to Stinking Bishop Cheese. This cheese is supposedly very popular because of its aroma, which is said to be reminiscent of a combination of ripe unwashed socks and wet towels. Stinking Bishop Cheese can have a nice grey rind as well. Don't you want to try it?
*"Spotted dick" is something else that can be found in the UK. No, spotted dick is not some sort of "social disease", or a symptom of a "Moby Dick" infection. A spotted dick is a tube of steamed raw beef or mutton fat ("suet") in which dried fruit is embedded. Mmm, mmm, sounds good. But doesn't it seem like something kids are advised to hang outside from tree branches as feed for birds in the winter?
*A friend who went to the British Isles told me about a delicacy called a "Scottish Wood Cock" (I wonder if after a bad case of "spotted dick", it fell off and had to be replaced with a prosthesis?).
*The British eat a food called "faggots", which are orbs of meat formed of chewed up pig hearts, livers, intestines and other undesirable parts (as an aside I will note that meatballs are sometimes called collops in the UK). However, as horrible as faggots sound, many Brits find nothing strange about eating a food that bears the same name as the UK slang term for a cigarette, or a common informal slur for a male who enjoys "buggery and blow jobs" with a few of the lads. Personally, I think it sounds a bit questionable to announce, "I like to eat faggots", as Mrs. B proudly proclaimed the other day. Such a statement certainly would raise eyebrows in the US.
*The British eat jellied eels and something called "mushy peas". How appetizing.
*As if Spam were not vile enough on its own, the British were so excited at the introduction of Spam to their island that they created a special dish called "Spam fritters", which is deep-fried Spam. Ick. It can still be found in those British temples to deep frying, fish and chip shops.
*Black bun is a Scottish cake with a nice filling made from fruit rinds. Wow, how delicious.
*Sometimes one can get some glimpse of British culinary culture in the international section of a US supermarket. I was surprised to come across a package of something from the UK called "cock flavored soup". I have no idea what that might taste like, but perhaps this is some more evidence of the English fascination with homosexual behavior?
*Stuffing for meat or fish is called "forcemeat" by the Brits. The only way to get most people to eat British meat would be to force it on them, I think.
*The Brits use many other odd names for food. Gammon is a British name for ham, and groundnuts are peanuts to limeys. Meats like liver, liver, tripe, heart and kidneys are called "offal", although "awful" might be a better spelling in my opinion. These meats are also called "pluck" to confuse matters further. Tunny is tuna, aubergine is eggplant, bilberry is blueberry, sack is sherry (maybe for the bag they wrap the bottle in, when they are out on a Winehouse rampage?)
and pips are seeds. This makes me wonder what on earth the proper British expression "pip, pip and all that" means. And the Chinese are supposed to be inscrutable? What about the Brits?
*Another British favorite is the so-called "head cheese". However, head cheese is not cheese at all, but instead is slices of calf or pig head, sometimes including meat from the animal's feet, tongue and heart, served cold and coated with aspic (that is, jellied animal head meat). Nice...
*Not only do the British drink their beer warm, but they eat the foul remnants of the brewing process. Marmite is spread on toast and eaten, in spite of having a taste that can make the average person gag.
*Black pudding is cooked thickened pig's blood. Ugh.
*Laverbread is a Welsh bread made from seaweed.
*Hotchpotch is a Scottish soup made by boiling vegetables together with some bones to leech out some of the bone marrow. Confusing matters further, a marrow in the UK is a kind of squash that looks like a monster-sized zucchini. However, the Pommys call a zucchini a "courgette" (sounds like what you might call a female Corgi dog).
*Pork shoulder is called "hand of pork" in the UK. How on earth can anyone refer to a pig's hands? Maybe someone was drinking too much of that warm beer.
*In the US, beer is consumed chilled, particularly when the weather is hot. So is lemonade, and the Brits mix the two to create to create a "shandygaff" or "shandy". I am not sure I would like to drink a nice warm shandy to quench my thirst.
*A "baby's head", or "babby's yead", is one of the endless variety of mystery meat pies that the British seem to consume. And as if the name were not repulsive enough, a baby's head is a pie filled with diced pig or lamb kidneys (sometimes together with steak, or what passes for steak in the UK).
The Brits seem to have an unlimited number of weird names for their food. Here are a few more:
*Liver and lights is a dish made from liver and lungs. Who eats lungs? I guess even the Brits want to disguise the nature of this food with a vague name.
*Cornish pasties are meat turnovers, not something worn by a stripper to hide her nipples.
*The English don't eat English muffins, but they do eat crumpets.
*A chump chop is a type of lamb meat. It sounds like an undesirable cut of meat, frankly.
*A coley is a black codfish. Naming a fish dish after a lump of smelly inedible hard decomposed plant material is just what might expect from the British. One can only imagine what meal of coley might taste like.
*A garibaldi is a large cookie, full of currents. I think the name of this treat is a reference to the Italian patriot, not a comment about a candidate for minoxidil. Apparently, Giuseppe Garibaldi sat on an Ecces Cake during a visit to Tynemouth, England in 1854, and thereby invented this biscuit.
*A ginger nut is not a type of nut (that is, a desiccated anhydrous indehiscent ripened ovule-bearing nether portion of the pistil of a gymnosperm or angiosperm, well-known photosynthetic eukaryotic organisms) at all, but a ginger snap.
*Corn is the term used for any type of grain in the UK, but maize is the British name for corn.
*Bully beef, alternately called salt beef in the UK, is corned beef. In the US, a bully beef would be whining by someone who picks on others, and a salt beef is an action taken to add sodium chloride to cooked cattle flesh or maybe a complaint about the sodium content of some food. Obviously, there are lots of chances for confusion and misunderstanding.
*In the UK, floss is not necessarily something you use to clean your teeth, but can describe cotton candy.
*A jacket potato is a baked potato. Does that mean that a peeled potato is a jacket off potato?
*Perry is pear cider, not the first name of a 50's crooner.
*Polony in the UK is bologna. Is this an attempt at rhyming slang?
*A ring doughnut in the British Isles is a doughnut, but a doughnut in the UK is a jelly doughnut.
*Sherbet is not only a frozen dessert in the UK, but a type of powdered candy.
*Squash is not a vegetable in the Britain, but a juice drink.
*A dessert in the UK is typically called "pudding", even if the dessert is not literally a pudding (just like tea in the UK often refers to a meal, not necessarily accompanied by tea). Obviously, some puddings are not dessert at all, like the previously mentioned black pudding (a kind of blood sausage), and hog's pudding, which is a sausage from Cornwall that is similar to haggis (here is a recipe from a British newspaper for "hog's pudding and sweatbreads on toast". Ooh, how inviting!).
*A swede is a yellow turnip, or rutabaga. Turnips are called neeps in Scotland.
*British Demarara sugar is turbinado sugar, named for the Demarara colony in Guyana, paying tribute to the UK history of involvement with slavery.
*A tart is not only a slag (a British term meaning "slut"), and a word that describes a sort of unpleasant sharp or sour taste, but a type of pie in the UK. This produces endless opportunities for jokes and puns in what passes for comedy in the UK. "Tart jokes" are ubiquitous in British humor, as can be seen by viewing Benny Hill reruns.
*Mayonnaise sounds distinctly French, and is sometimes said to be named for the town of Mahón. However, a little investigation shows that the origin of mayonnaise is not clear at all, and one of the theories about the invention of mayonnaise suggests that the British contributed to the creation of it. [5] This is just what you might expect for one of the blandest and most nasty condiments.
After all, who else would put something that looks like pus on their sandwiches and french fries? The only thing that is more unpleasant than the Pommys putting mayonnaise on french fries is the British habit of dribbling gravy on their "chips". I won't even mention what that looks like.One of the complaints about British food is that it is often bland. This is mostly correct, but it is not completely accurate. An exception is the well-known Worcestershire sauce, which is popular the world over. However, most brands of Worcestershire sauce are flavored by something called 'asafetida' (sound it out), also known as "devil's dung" because of its foul stench, and is therefore usually unlisted on food labels.
In addition, Worcestershire sauce often contains "xanthan gum", made from the microbe xanthomonas campestris, a plant pathogen. Plants infected by xanthomonas campestris have disgusting slimy black spots on their leaves.
There are some special dishes associated with holidays, celebrations and special occasions in the UK. For example, parkin (a sort of oatmeal bread) is consumed on Guy Fawkes Day in Yorkshire. Parkin is made with ginger and molasses, and is another monument to Britain's proud history in maintaining slavery in the Americas, since both ginger and molasses were produced by slave labor in Jamaica and then imported to the UK. Guy Fawkes Day commemorates a great UK historical event, when Roman Catholic Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the Parliament buildings because of religious inequities in the UK (one of the conditions that fueled UK emigration).
Guy Fawkes celebrations are a little peculiar; it would be like the US having an Osama Bin Laden day on September 11. However, Brits engage in all kinds of revelry on Guy Fawkes Day, including setting off firecrackers that they have "shoved up the bums" of neighborhood cats. [6] What great fun! And of course, this tradition gives a bit more evidence of the obsession most Brits seem to have with butt holes.
Many holidays in the UK are associated with a special dessert. For example, "hot cross buns" is not a nickname for a sexy angry guy with a nice backside, but a type of baked roll eaten at Easter.
A conventional British wedding cake is an iced fruitcake. Fruitcakes are often given as gifts at Christmas as well. Fruitcakes are so unpalatable that they are the one kind of cake that most Americans will not eat (and that is saying something). Fruitcakes are typically not consumed in the US, but "regifted" to someone else. People even joke about using fruitcakes as substitutes for cannonballs. [7] [8] [9] [10]
A special British Christmas dessert is the "Yule log", which is also what they call a tubular tree section they put on the fire. Naming a dessert after a large cylinder of wood is the sort of thing one might expect from the British, I guess, and I can imagine that many British Yule log desserts probably taste like a piece of wood as well.
In one college, some students in the dorms decided to have a "Yule log contest" over the December vacation break. They competed to see who could squeeze out the longest "Yule log" and they saved their efforts on old newspapers in a linen closet. Unfortunately for these students, after about a week a janitor opened the closet (which was in a somewhat pungent state by then) and the students were threatened with expulsion. The students decided to protest this action, staging a "shit in" to attempt to convince the University administration to let them stay in school.
On "Mothering Sunday" in Lancashire, the beer is not just served warm, but is even heated by shoving a red-hot poker into it
(I hope this does not get some of my female readers too worked up, although I guess there are a few gay readers who might like that idea as well). The mulled ale is eaten with "simnel cake", which looks like a vomit-colored dessert which is growing a bunch of tumors. [11] Gross. In this case, I think it might be more appropriate to classify the simnel cake as more of a "baked bad" than a "baked good".After surveying some of these British foods, the behavior of a British man who was arrested for urinating all over some of his country's foods becomes a bit more understandable. [12] The only question is, could one even tell the difference afterward?
Can you imagine a good slogan for this drink? How about "Have a Pee", or "I love the taste of Pee"
Addendum: A naughty limerick
As noted above, these bizarre British food names give rise to all sorts of gags and jokes. I decided to try my hand at it, utilizing an extended form of that classic British poetic form, the limerick:
There was a young lady from Wumpet
who enjoyed hot tea with her crumpet
'long came a lad, exceedingly bad
Who asked her to blow on his trumpet
'Cept the lass was sort of a strumpet
and she liked to have boys hump it
she told him 'stead of givin' him head
to get down to work and to pump it
The young boy was too 'fraid to jump it
And then she pulled out her plump tit
She said I've a need, ain't gunna plead
Take me right now, like it or lump it.
Addendum II: BSE risks
I did a bit of investigation to see if I could find any evidence for the hysteria in some health food media about BSE risks in the US. [13] [14] [15] There have been only 3 verified variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease (vCJD) cases in the US up to June , 2008, while there have been almost 1400 verified cases of vCJD in the UK through the end of 2008. [16] The three in the US had lived in the UK or Saudi Arabia and presumably contracted the disease there. One mystery case of a woman in Massachusetts turned out to have taken supplements made of imported cow brain parts for years. [17] A very interesting paper from the CDC gives a careful assessment of the BSE disease, and the risks for BSE in the US. [18] Although the risks in the US are not vanishingly small, they are not quite the reason for alarm that the "health food Nazis" seem to think either, at least in my opinion.
However, it is quite interesting to me that there appear to be some similarities between BSE, vCJD and Alzheimer's Disease. [19] [20]
Thursday, June 4, 2009
A message to my readers
I have had this blog for almost two years, documenting a few of my experiences in the world of online conversations. This blog captures only a small fraction of what I have heard and seen; a sampling of what I observed in Skypecasts, on MeBeam, on Paltalk, on TalkShoe, and now in assorted conference calls and HighDef conference rooms. Of course, there are many other online venues where one can take part in conversations, such as Yahoo! messenger and MSN messenger, both of which offer voice and video capability. I have only experimented with a few of these, so this blog captures only a small fraction of what is available in the world of online discourse, and does not even cover the full range of what I personally have been involved with in this medium.
The blog currently allows for anonymous comments by readers, which I can moderate. I am considering adding a capability for readers to vote on each post so they can tell other readers (and me) what they thought of it.
For example, in the last week, using the number of readers who clicked directly on a blog article as a crude estimate, the most popular blog posts were (in order):
*Window lickers
*On the horns of a dilemma
*An inside job
*Skanky slut
*Sonia Sotomajor
*Droner
*Yorkshire wisdom
*A visit from Brad Shit
*Rock around the clock
*Definition of character
I am sort of surprised that as many wanted to read the Sonia Sotomajor article. Obviously, "A visit from Brad Shit", although it is a less recent article, is still very popular.
These are just the most commonly read articles last week, by this rough measure. A full list of the articles clicked on directly in the last week would include about 60 articles. Most people probably do what I do; they click on a month and read a selection of the articles from that month, or read articles that follow others. Many read articles from the archives as well. The newest post, Restraining order, while still heavily read, might not have been up long enough yet to rise higher in the list, because many people read the blog only once every few days.
If this sort of information is interesting to you, and you want to give feedback on what is in the blog, then let me know by voting in the upper right hand corner poll. If you want to comment on a blog post, then feel free to do so. Just realize that I reserve the right to moderate comments, since some have used this method in the past to attack me personally. And since it is my blog, I reserve the right to only publish comments that I think enhance the blog.
Thanks for your interest.
Additional note
Also, if you are really observant, you might notice that sometimes I post new articles out of temporal order. That is, I often have draft articles that retain the date when I first started working on them when I finally publish them to the internet, days, weeks or months later. So sometimes the most recently posted articles are not those with the most recent dates on them. I realize that this can be confusing to people, and that these articles are less likely to be read if they do not appear at the top of the list of blog posts. However, sometimes there is a value to this, if a blog post is particularly controversial or confrontational. This blog is not only for my readers, since I want to use it to keep notes about what goes on in Skypeland.
The blog currently allows for anonymous comments by readers, which I can moderate. I am considering adding a capability for readers to vote on each post so they can tell other readers (and me) what they thought of it.
For example, in the last week, using the number of readers who clicked directly on a blog article as a crude estimate, the most popular blog posts were (in order):
*Window lickers
*On the horns of a dilemma
*An inside job
*Skanky slut
*Sonia Sotomajor
*Droner
*Yorkshire wisdom
*A visit from Brad Shit
*Rock around the clock
*Definition of character
I am sort of surprised that as many wanted to read the Sonia Sotomajor article. Obviously, "A visit from Brad Shit", although it is a less recent article, is still very popular.
These are just the most commonly read articles last week, by this rough measure. A full list of the articles clicked on directly in the last week would include about 60 articles. Most people probably do what I do; they click on a month and read a selection of the articles from that month, or read articles that follow others. Many read articles from the archives as well. The newest post, Restraining order, while still heavily read, might not have been up long enough yet to rise higher in the list, because many people read the blog only once every few days.
If this sort of information is interesting to you, and you want to give feedback on what is in the blog, then let me know by voting in the upper right hand corner poll. If you want to comment on a blog post, then feel free to do so. Just realize that I reserve the right to moderate comments, since some have used this method in the past to attack me personally. And since it is my blog, I reserve the right to only publish comments that I think enhance the blog.
Thanks for your interest.
Additional note
Also, if you are really observant, you might notice that sometimes I post new articles out of temporal order. That is, I often have draft articles that retain the date when I first started working on them when I finally publish them to the internet, days, weeks or months later. So sometimes the most recently posted articles are not those with the most recent dates on them. I realize that this can be confusing to people, and that these articles are less likely to be read if they do not appear at the top of the list of blog posts. However, sometimes there is a value to this, if a blog post is particularly controversial or confrontational. This blog is not only for my readers, since I want to use it to keep notes about what goes on in Skypeland.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Restraining order
The undercover operative, international jet setter, bon vivant, renowned mercenary and bathroom contractor R was back in Skypeland for his weekly performance the last couple of nights. R seems to think that his exhibition of belligerence and inebriated incoherence is charming and fascinating to everyone else. Personally I think that sometimes R's visits are too much of a "good thing" (using a very loose interpretation of the word "good"), especially because R's visits tend to discourage all other discourse. In the worst circumstances, an uncontrolled raucous R drives away many other potential participants, the lifeblood of Skypeland.
R has a tendency to get fixated on certain things. Obviously, alcohol holds a strong grip over R; he drinks 1-3 liters of alcohol (usually vodka) at least once or twice a week. In addition, a Skypeland visit by R always features a tremendous amount of bragging about R's purported achievements and wealth. However, it appears to be highly doubtful that there is more than a minimal element of truth in this bravado.
R also seems to be obsessed with violence, and threatens one after another in Skypeland venues that he visits. Some are the focus of special attention; I am one of them. Even if I am not present, R rambles on and on about me, clearly preoccupied with his thoughts of me. R usually fantasizes about killing me; lately R has expressed the strong desire to have my "head on a pike".
However, after 1,000 death threats or so, this sort of statement gets a bit wearisome. I don't particularly feel the need to sit around and listen to a slobbering drunk repeat the same death threat he made 1 minute ago, or 10 minutes ago, or 2 hours ago, or a week ago, or a month ago, just for the amusement of the listening audience (although I am doubtful about how amusing it really is). It gets a little tedious, you know?
In any case, R wants to be heard; he screams into his computer microphone and runs two computers simultaneously trying to log into Skypeland, often using multiple accounts. As soon as R is muted or removed from the room, he is back hollering again.
As R drinks more, he becomes increasingly focused on men's butts, and various forms of sodomy, such as cornholing, back scuttling, dick licking, prick s
ticking, irrumation, bunghole banging, poophole poking, shirt lifting, mattress munching, fudge nudging and so on. Sometimes R will even slide into this sort of talk when he is in the middle of a boast about his ability to kill someone with his bare hands and eat their brains. For example, last night as R was bragging yet again about his lethal talents, R said, "I promise you, I will lick any man's ass in no time flat". Normally one might not think twice about that kind of phrasing, but in R's case, one starts to wonder.
After all, what else is one to think when R seems to have some sort of weird mental fixation with "playing the pink oboe" and having a "sneaky butcher" shove some meat into a "sausage kennel"? Almost any subject is likely to be seized on by R as some way to introduce an anal reference. For example:
*If someone is talking about skiing, R will blurt out something like, "What sort of ski boot do you wear? I always prefer to have a rear entry".
*R calls sideburns "buggergrips".
*R never says "I can't be bothered" but instead says, "I can't be arsed".
*R never talks about hitmen, always assassins (one of R's favorite words because it has not one, but two asses in it).
*When a geek is speaking about Star Trek, R might offer to come over to help him remove "cling-ons".
*When a Skypeland visitor was discussing his vacation, R asked if they "dropped anchor in poo-bay".
*If someone says "not to cast aspersions", R is sure to pipe up with something like, "Ass Persians? You mean Iranian beaver leavers? Farsi-speaking knob jockeys?"
*Someone in Skypeland who identifies their hometown as Dingle in Ireland will prompt R to ask if this is where "dingleberries" are from.
*A discussion about the importance of wearing headgear as sun protection might draw the admission out of R that he is a bit of a "brown hatter".
*When one of the ladies in Skypeland says they have to go shower and wash their hair, R will ask if they use shampoo or "real poo" to wash their hair.
Since R is from the UK, some of R's allusions can be a bit cryptic, but a little investigation reveals that they still almost always have something to do with his anal obsession:
*If different kinds of jam, marmalade and other breakfast spreads are being discussed, R will ask something like, "Have you ever had a drive on the Marmite motorway?"
*If people are talking about fishing, R will reveal that once he "caught a huge brown speckled Mersey trout".
*Someone who plays the banjo will lead R to ponder the delights of "strumming a banjo string".
*When people are talking about pets, R will mention that he once had a "chutney ferret".
In other words, R always seems to be talking about poofters, pillow-biters, bone smuggling up Bournville boulevard or the Cadbury corridor, willy woofters and "plowing the backfield". Although R claims to be completely heterosexual, after a while one starts to wonder if he "bats for the other team", and even might have been the "filling in a triple decker manwich" (the so-called, and apparently highly sought-after, "Lucky Pierre").
At first, R's antics might be viewed as mildly comical, but they wear thin after a few iterations. The biggest problem is that Skypeland really relies on a steady flow of new people to any venue to keep the conversations interesting and fresh. Otherwise, discussions in Skypeland quickly deteriorate into stale, repetitive, tedious drivel and back-biting. Very few find R sufficiently engaging that they are willing to tolerate him for long, and so to allow R to rampage unimpeded and unrestrained for many hours every week is a losing proposition. However, malcontents like R are necessary in small doses to prevent the creation of bland "kumbaya rooms" in Skypeland that are completely boring.
The best option is to make some sort of compromise between these extremes. Lunatics and fruitcakes are necessary, but they should not be allowed to dominate any Skypeland channel.
R has a tendency to get fixated on certain things. Obviously, alcohol holds a strong grip over R; he drinks 1-3 liters of alcohol (usually vodka) at least once or twice a week. In addition, a Skypeland visit by R always features a tremendous amount of bragging about R's purported achievements and wealth. However, it appears to be highly doubtful that there is more than a minimal element of truth in this bravado.
R also seems to be obsessed with violence, and threatens one after another in Skypeland venues that he visits. Some are the focus of special attention; I am one of them. Even if I am not present, R rambles on and on about me, clearly preoccupied with his thoughts of me. R usually fantasizes about killing me; lately R has expressed the strong desire to have my "head on a pike".
However, after 1,000 death threats or so, this sort of statement gets a bit wearisome. I don't particularly feel the need to sit around and listen to a slobbering drunk repeat the same death threat he made 1 minute ago, or 10 minutes ago, or 2 hours ago, or a week ago, or a month ago, just for the amusement of the listening audience (although I am doubtful about how amusing it really is). It gets a little tedious, you know?
In any case, R wants to be heard; he screams into his computer microphone and runs two computers simultaneously trying to log into Skypeland, often using multiple accounts. As soon as R is muted or removed from the room, he is back hollering again.
As R drinks more, he becomes increasingly focused on men's butts, and various forms of sodomy, such as cornholing, back scuttling, dick licking, prick s
ticking, irrumation, bunghole banging, poophole poking, shirt lifting, mattress munching, fudge nudging and so on. Sometimes R will even slide into this sort of talk when he is in the middle of a boast about his ability to kill someone with his bare hands and eat their brains. For example, last night as R was bragging yet again about his lethal talents, R said, "I promise you, I will lick any man's ass in no time flat". Normally one might not think twice about that kind of phrasing, but in R's case, one starts to wonder.After all, what else is one to think when R seems to have some sort of weird mental fixation with "playing the pink oboe" and having a "sneaky butcher" shove some meat into a "sausage kennel"? Almost any subject is likely to be seized on by R as some way to introduce an anal reference. For example:
*If someone is talking about skiing, R will blurt out something like, "What sort of ski boot do you wear? I always prefer to have a rear entry".
*R calls sideburns "buggergrips".
*R never says "I can't be bothered" but instead says, "I can't be arsed".
*R never talks about hitmen, always assassins (one of R's favorite words because it has not one, but two asses in it).
*When a geek is speaking about Star Trek, R might offer to come over to help him remove "cling-ons".
*When a Skypeland visitor was discussing his vacation, R asked if they "dropped anchor in poo-bay".
*If someone says "not to cast aspersions", R is sure to pipe up with something like, "Ass Persians? You mean Iranian beaver leavers? Farsi-speaking knob jockeys?"
*Someone in Skypeland who identifies their hometown as Dingle in Ireland will prompt R to ask if this is where "dingleberries" are from.
*A discussion about the importance of wearing headgear as sun protection might draw the admission out of R that he is a bit of a "brown hatter".
*When one of the ladies in Skypeland says they have to go shower and wash their hair, R will ask if they use shampoo or "real poo" to wash their hair.
Since R is from the UK, some of R's allusions can be a bit cryptic, but a little investigation reveals that they still almost always have something to do with his anal obsession:
*If different kinds of jam, marmalade and other breakfast spreads are being discussed, R will ask something like, "Have you ever had a drive on the Marmite motorway?"
*If people are talking about fishing, R will reveal that once he "caught a huge brown speckled Mersey trout".
*Someone who plays the banjo will lead R to ponder the delights of "strumming a banjo string".
*When people are talking about pets, R will mention that he once had a "chutney ferret".
In other words, R always seems to be talking about poofters, pillow-biters, bone smuggling up Bournville boulevard or the Cadbury corridor, willy woofters and "plowing the backfield". Although R claims to be completely heterosexual, after a while one starts to wonder if he "bats for the other team", and even might have been the "filling in a triple decker manwich" (the so-called, and apparently highly sought-after, "Lucky Pierre").
At first, R's antics might be viewed as mildly comical, but they wear thin after a few iterations. The biggest problem is that Skypeland really relies on a steady flow of new people to any venue to keep the conversations interesting and fresh. Otherwise, discussions in Skypeland quickly deteriorate into stale, repetitive, tedious drivel and back-biting. Very few find R sufficiently engaging that they are willing to tolerate him for long, and so to allow R to rampage unimpeded and unrestrained for many hours every week is a losing proposition. However, malcontents like R are necessary in small doses to prevent the creation of bland "kumbaya rooms" in Skypeland that are completely boring.
The best option is to make some sort of compromise between these extremes. Lunatics and fruitcakes are necessary, but they should not be allowed to dominate any Skypeland channel.
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